Dealing with enablers

[NanaG67]

I need to vent, I need to find out how to handle family so I don't feel bad or make them feel bad if I just say NO! I love my daughter but it's hard to say no to her sometimes because I don't want to hurt her feelings. She loves food, and it gets the better of her, and I have a hard time keeping myself in check. I need some help, someone to talk to that understands what I am going through so I don't feel so alone here.

I'm so scared that I will not be able to keep up with the demands that my body needs once I have the surgery. I'm trying so hard right now, but I just am having issues....so that is why I am here.....I know everyone here understands what I am going through and can give me advice on how to handle family and all.

PLEASE HELP!!!!

 

[Pat99]

Nana-I don't have children but will suggest something anyway. Now is not the time to let anyone take advantage of you. Maybe if you sit down and have a frank discussion with your daughter and other family members it will help. Tell your daughter and family that you will need their help physically and emotionally starting now and also when you return from the hospital. If she is old enough to prepare meals then have her help out. Even if you have to stock up on some frozen entrees it will take the burden off of you for a short while. There are some healthier not too bad tasting ones out there. You may be surprised at her willingness to lend a hand. I don't know how old she is. If she is very young, let's say under 12, making a list of things for her to do to help you out might make it more fun for her. Use stickers or some other form of "point" system so she can see how helpful she is being.

After surgery you will need to rest your body for a couple of weeks. You will have a lifting restriction, mine was 5 pounds for 4 weeks and I am currently on 20 pounds for the next 4 weeks. Maybe you can have your daughter spend the first 2 or 3 nights at one of her friend’s house or with a relative that she likes. Or have another adult that both of you like spend just a couple of days with you. Make a daily chore list and assign everyone age appropriate tasks. Splurge a bit and hire a cleaning service (or friend or family member) to come in until you get your strength back and are able to move around freely and without lifting restrictions. Make sure you have them change everyone's sheets as part of the agreement as this is one of the things you shouldn't be doing until you are off restriction. You can even have them include laundry during their cleaning visits. You will only be having liquids in the beginning so your meal plan will be very simple and you should be able to prepare this for yourself if you have to. The only thing I "cooked" for myself after the second week home was instant cream of wheat *LOL* The important thing is to stay hydrated and get some rest. You must take care of yourself first!!! You will be up and around in no time at all but until then you need to put your foot down. I hope this helped. PM me anytime.

 

[NanaG67]

Thanks Pat. My daughter is 25, a mom, with 2 kids ages 5 & 2. They are living here, but they aren't used to they way I cook. My husband works long hard hours and I like to have dinner ready for him not long after he gets home. They are late eaters and sometimes if they are supposed to cook, we are waiting around till 8 or 9 for dinner. I did have a talk with her yesterday. She does understand, it's hard for her to give up food, but she knows that I have to stop eating they way they all eat.

 

[Pat99]

I'm so glad you were able to discuss things with her Nana. I know it can be rough for everyone when an adult returns home to live, especially with kids in tow. But it can also be a lot of fun! Just a thought, sit down as a group and plan a weekly menu together. It will make shopping and meal prep a LOT easier. There are some things that can be prepared in advance and used over the course of several meals which will cut prep time down. For example, wash and cut fresh veggies in advance and store in air tight containers or baggies for most of the week. You may find yourself, your daughter and the grandkids snacking on celery, carrot sticks and cucumber slices instead of sweets since everything is already cut up and ready to go. Buy fruit that requires little or no prep like grapes and berries. All you need to do is rinse them, drain on paper towels and stick back in the fridge.

Another thing that you could try is rotating kitchen duty so that your daughter can fix and eat what she wants then you can fix what suits your and your husband's taste.

 

[NanaG67]

Thanks Pat. Her family is very picky and tend to be late night eaters. I showed her how to make a family favorite tonight, she learned how to make our enchiladas. But she is learning to make meals earlier and she will learn to cook for her dad. I can see about getting the veggies, but it may be pointless if nobody will eat them. I am trying to do what my surgeon is asking of me before surgery. Someone I know said to watch that I dont lose weight prior to surgery, cause then my insurance will deny it.

 

[tramcar8]

I need to vent, I need to find out how to handle family so I don't feel bad or make them feel bad if I just say NO! I love my daughter but it's hard to say no to her sometimes because I don't want to hurt her feelings. She loves food, and it gets the better of her, and I have a hard time keeping myself in check. I need some help, someone to talk to that understands what I am going through so I don't feel so alone here.

I'm so scared that I will not be able to keep up with the demands that my body needs once I have the surgery. I'm trying so hard right now, but I just am having issues....so that is why I am here.....I know everyone here understands what I am going through and can give me advice on how to handle family and all.


PLEASE HELP!!!!

Hi Nana
I have family and friends that have had to deal with my limited choices for a year but I've been fortunate enough to educate them to the fact that this is my choice and my health and my life to live and it seems to have sunk in with just a few exceptions-Many thimes people want to sabatoge your efforts because if their own self intrest,they can't stand it because they can no longer feel that superiority of being the Skinny person in the room with the fattie-Spouses can have issues on both sides as a husband or wife that was Safley Fat before now becomes the subject of "looks" and "intrest" that they never got before-a "friend" may envy your new thinner self and try to derail your efforts so you don't leave them behind and make new friends-You may be "talked To" by strangers that never showed an intrest before-People may hold the door for you and make eye contact more often-and people can think of all kinds of ways to "shame' you into eating foods that are neither good for you or to you liking just to derail your progress-of course it wouldn't be a rant if we couldn't talk about the food police that will show up whenever They think you're eating something you shouldn't-But it's all ok-It's just different for everybody and they need to be taught-gently,but still taught that you're not doing this for any of these reasons or any of these people-You are doing this for YOU-your life and your health and your well being-No One has the right to take your efforts and trash them for their own reasons-Don't Let Them-Your family will enjoy having you more healthy and will eventually "Get It" but you just have to be patient with them-After all,their lives are impacted too in a big big way
Good Luck on your Journey
Ron

 

[NanaG67]

Thanks Ron. I have spoken with my family, my daughter does understand but its still hard for her to see that I am willing to give up food. Even today, I am stressed out, it's hot, my grandkids are everywhere, and I have had a few things that I shouldn't have. Maybe people think that I won't go through with the surgery, or I will fail trying. Yes today I sabotaged myself, and I know all I can do is start all over again. Some days are really good for me, and others are not. It's hard to be in a home where everyone loves high carb foods and I know being a diabetic I shouldn't have so many. But today it was about trying to fill a craving, but I couldn't really pinpoint what I wanted, so I had this and that. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will start fresh in the morning. I will have my protein early in the morning, then head to the gym. I may even have some oatmeal. I'm not a big oatmeal person, but I know that I might as well get used to eating it, cause it will be one of those things that I can have later.