Here's to hoping today is better

missdarmitage · Sep 23, 2019

I am officially a week post op, and things have been great. No gas pain. I can tolerate all liquids and pureed food. I am eating two ounces for each meal, getting in two protein shakes a day to hit my protein goal, hitting my water goal, keeping down my vitamins, and walking between 4-6 miles per day. Even with all the good that has been happening, it didn't stop the depression from hitting. Yesterday I just didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to take another vitamin or pill. I didn't want to drink another damn protein shake. I didn't want to eat another baby portioned amount of food. I didn't want to walk or do anything other than lay on the couch and cry. I think Saturday helped lead to it. I spent the morning at my nephew's soccer games, ran errands after, and then went to a comedy night for Mental Health America. At the comedy night, everyone around me got to enjoy the dinner they served. I was ready for it and had already eaten my pureed refried beans w/salsa and cheese along with some butterscotch protein pudding. But seeing them all eating and talking just got to me. I had to get up and go for a walk until dinner was over. I didn't think much more of it until yesterday when I just no longer wanted to do any of it. I didn't want to live by a schedule and just wanted to do whatever I wanted when I wanted. I know, it sounds petty and childish, but I just couldn't help the feelings. Luckily it hit later in the day but it was during my first protein drink. So I didn't get my protein goal yesterday, I didn't eat dinner, and I didn't take the last of my meds. I was actually very logical about all of it lol. I kept going over it in my head to see if it would harm me to miss these few goals for one day. If so I was going to force myself to do what was needed. But none of it was going to set me back or send me to the hospital so I indulged my crappy feelings and let myself fall into the hole for a night. This morning I am feeling better, but I have only been awake for an hour, so we will see if that continues. It just goes to show that even when everything is going great, you can still have these mental attacks that you just haven't planned for. I have already taken the first med and been fine. We will just wait and see how I feel when I go to drink that first protein shake again! I have the belief that I can push through today and I hope that belief is enough. I am grateful for how well everything has been going, I just hope my mind gets on track with the rest of me so I can keep pushing forward. Sorry for the rant but needed to get it out! My family just looked at me like I had three heads and couldn't fathom why the mental breakdown occurred. I am happy, it is just a lot of change and now feels like I don't have much control over things. It is all just so scheduled in my daily life. But that is recovery. I will get past it

Brenda2010 · Sep 23, 2019

missdarmitage said:
I am officially a week post op, and things have been great. No gas pain. I can tolerate all liquids and pureed food. I am eating two ounces for each meal, getting in two protein shakes a day to hit my protein goal, hitting my water goal, keeping down my vitamins, and walking between 4-6 miles per day. Even with all the good that has been happening, it didn't stop the depression from hitting. Yesterday I just didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to take another vitamin or pill. I didn't want to drink another damn protein shake. I didn't want to eat another baby portioned amount of food. I didn't want to walk or do anything other than lay on the couch and cry. I think Saturday helped lead to it. I spent the morning at my nephew's soccer games, ran errands after, and then went to a comedy night for Mental Health America. At the comedy night, everyone around me got to enjoy the dinner they served. I was ready for it and had already eaten my pureed refried beans w/salsa and cheese along with some butterscotch protein pudding. But seeing them all eating and talking just got to me. I had to get up and go for a walk until dinner was over. I didn't think much more of it until yesterday when I just no longer wanted to do any of it. I didn't want to live by a schedule and just wanted to do whatever I wanted when I wanted. I know, it sounds petty and childish, but I just couldn't help the feelings. Luckily it hit later in the day but it was during my first protein drink. So I didn't get my protein goal yesterday, I didn't eat dinner, and I didn't take the last of my meds. I was actually very logical about all of it lol. I kept going over it in my head to see if it would harm me to miss these few goals for one day. If so I was going to force myself to do what was needed. But none of it was going to set me back or send me to the hospital so I indulged my crappy feelings and let myself fall into the hole for a night. This morning I am feeling better, but I have only been awake for an hour, so we will see if that continues. It just goes to show that even when everything is going great, you can still have these mental attacks that you just haven't planned for. I have already taken the first med and been fine. We will just wait and see how I feel when I go to drink that first protein shake again! I have the belief that I can push through today and I hope that belief is enough. I am grateful for how well everything has been going, I just hope my mind gets on track with the rest of me so I can keep pushing forward. Sorry for the rant but needed to get it out! My family just looked at me like I had three heads and couldn't fathom why the mental breakdown occurred. I am happy, it is just a lot of change and now feels like I don't have much control over things. It is all just so scheduled in my daily life. But that is recovery. I will get past it

Hey Miss. I know you know that this is COMPLETELY normal!!! So much freaking change. We've all been there! Only someone who is on this journey can understand that despite all the positives, we miss our old, "normal" routine sometimes. And food served us as a friend for so many years. It's hard to socialize without it and rely on it for comfort.

You're so strong, your posts make that very evident. Venting is the best thing you can do, thanks for trusting us with your emotions. We all have these moments. You've got this, we're here for you girlie!

Redy2go · Sep 23, 2019

Completely understand how you feel.. because it's a little how I have "worried" about. Your post was very heart felt. Happy to hear that you are doing well! Our head needs to catch up to our success!! Keep on keeping on!!

Coping Margo · Sep 24, 2019

Yes when those blues hit they hit hard. This new eating lifestyle is hard. It gets boring eating basically the same thing every day.

Blcookie78 · Sep 25, 2019

missdarmitage said:
I am officially a week post op, and things have been great. No gas pain. I can tolerate all liquids and pureed food. I am eating two ounces for each meal, getting in two protein shakes a day to hit my protein goal, hitting my water goal, keeping down my vitamins, and walking between 4-6 miles per day. Even with all the good that has been happening, it didn't stop the depression from hitting. Yesterday I just didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to take another vitamin or pill. I didn't want to drink another damn protein shake. I didn't want to eat another baby portioned amount of food. I didn't want to walk or do anything other than lay on the couch and cry. I think Saturday helped lead to it. I spent the morning at my nephew's soccer games, ran errands after, and then went to a comedy night for Mental Health America. At the comedy night, everyone around me got to enjoy the dinner they served. I was ready for it and had already eaten my pureed refried beans w/salsa and cheese along with some butterscotch protein pudding. But seeing them all eating and talking just got to me. I had to get up and go for a walk until dinner was over. I didn't think much more of it until yesterday when I just no longer wanted to do any of it. I didn't want to live by a schedule and just wanted to do whatever I wanted when I wanted. I know, it sounds petty and childish, but I just couldn't help the feelings. Luckily it hit later in the day but it was during my first protein drink. So I didn't get my protein goal yesterday, I didn't eat dinner, and I didn't take the last of my meds. I was actually very logical about all of it lol. I kept going over it in my head to see if it would harm me to miss these few goals for one day. If so I was going to force myself to do what was needed. But none of it was going to set me back or send me to the hospital so I indulged my crappy feelings and let myself fall into the hole for a night. This morning I am feeling better, but I have only been awake for an hour, so we will see if that continues. It just goes to show that even when everything is going great, you can still have these mental attacks that you just haven't planned for. I have already taken the first med and been fine. We will just wait and see how I feel when I go to drink that first protein shake again! I have the belief that I can push through today and I hope that belief is enough. I am grateful for how well everything has been going, I just hope my mind gets on track with the rest of me so I can keep pushing forward. Sorry for the rant but needed to get it out! My family just looked at me like I had three heads and couldn't fathom why the mental breakdown occurred. I am happy, it is just a lot of change and now feels like I don't have much control over things. It is all just so scheduled in my daily life. But that is recovery. I will get past it

Girllll! I am a week out and ANGRY!!! Why did my family let me do this? But yesterday and today were much better. It’s like my high school boyfriend dumped me and is flaunting his girlfriend all over the kitchen. But two more weeks and that scrambled egg is mine!!!! Chin up and hugs.

Coping Margo · Sep 25, 2019

Yes eggs will be mine as well! I wish I was able to walk 4 to 6 miles but I can't. I'm to fatigued just almost doing 2 miles. I don't have enough energy for more than that. Congratulations on your miles!

Nicelady · Sep 26, 2019

missdarmitage said:
I am officially a week post op, and things have been great. No gas pain. I can tolerate all liquids and pureed food. I am eating two ounces for each meal, getting in two protein shakes a day to hit my protein goal, hitting my water goal, keeping down my vitamins, and walking between 4-6 miles per day. Even with all the good that has been happening, it didn't stop the depression from hitting. Yesterday I just didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to take another vitamin or pill. I didn't want to drink another damn protein shake. I didn't want to eat another baby portioned amount of food. I didn't want to walk or do anything other than lay on the couch and cry. I think Saturday helped lead to it. I spent the morning at my nephew's soccer games, ran errands after, and then went to a comedy night for Mental Health America. At the comedy night, everyone around me got to enjoy the dinner they served. I was ready for it and had already eaten my pureed refried beans w/salsa and cheese along with some butterscotch protein pudding. But seeing them all eating and talking just got to me. I had to get up and go for a walk until dinner was over. I didn't think much more of it until yesterday when I just no longer wanted to do any of it. I didn't want to live by a schedule and just wanted to do whatever I wanted when I wanted. I know, it sounds petty and childish, but I just couldn't help the feelings. Luckily it hit later in the day but it was during my first protein drink. So I didn't get my protein goal yesterday, I didn't eat dinner, and I didn't take the last of my meds. I was actually very logical about all of it lol. I kept going over it in my head to see if it would harm me to miss these few goals for one day. If so I was going to force myself to do what was needed. But none of it was going to set me back or send me to the hospital so I indulged my crappy feelings and let myself fall into the hole for a night. This morning I am feeling better, but I have only been awake for an hour, so we will see if that continues. It just goes to show that even when everything is going great, you can still have these mental attacks that you just haven't planned for. I have already taken the first med and been fine. We will just wait and see how I feel when I go to drink that first protein shake again! I have the belief that I can push through today and I hope that belief is enough. I am grateful for how well everything has been going, I just hope my mind gets on track with the rest of me so I can keep pushing forward. Sorry for the rant but needed to get it out! My family just looked at me like I had three heads and couldn't fathom why the mental breakdown occurred. I am happy, it is just a lot of change and now feels like I don't have much control over things. It is all just so scheduled in my daily life. But that is recovery. I will get past it

I’m 3 weeks in, and barely making any of my daily quota of liquids. Lady you got it going on.
I know the feeling on the mental attacks. I woke this morning in a deep depression. I’m just not feeling good. Tried to do a little bit of cleaning. But I just didn’t have the energy. People call to check on me, I don’t answer the phone, don’t want to talk to anyone. I keep asking myself over and over what have I done. I know in time it will pass. But right now I’m not feeling it.

Brenda2010 · Sep 26, 2019

Nicelady said:
I’m 3 weeks in, and barely making any of my daily quota of liquids. Lady you got it going on.
I know the feeling on the mental attacks. I woke this morning in a deep depression. I’m just not feeling good. Tried to do a little bit of cleaning. But I just didn’t have the energy. People call to check on me, I don’t answer the phone, don’t want to talk to anyone. I keep asking myself over and over what have I done. I know in time it will pass. But right now I’m not feeling it.

I'm sorry you're struggling right now, I hope it passes soon.

missdarmitage · Sep 26, 2019

Nicelady said:
I’m 3 weeks in, and barely making any of my daily quota of liquids. Lady you got it going on.
I know the feeling on the mental attacks. I woke this morning in a deep depression. I’m just not feeling good. Tried to do a little bit of cleaning. But I just didn’t have the energy. People call to check on me, I don’t answer the phone, don’t want to talk to anyone. I keep asking myself over and over what have I done. I know in time it will pass. But right now I’m not feeling it.

Thank you! And keep pushing! It sounds like you are doing everything you can to make it day to day. I'm proud of you for still trying to do things even when you aren't feeling it. I had another stubborn down moment and my sister pulled through for me. She called and told me just what I needed to hear to make me cry all the tears and pull myself out of the hole. I didn't want to, but when she lays on all the good feelings and how proud she an my niece are and thanking me for wanting to live a longer life for my family.... I had to flip my attitude then and there. It sounds stupid, but when I am in that mood, I want to wallow! But now I am grateful she was there for me. So to spread a little of the gooey she was giving me: You may not realize it, but you are amazing! You made this decision to live a healthier life and to enjoy the life you are living. You may have done it for you and/or family, and either way, you are well on your way to achieving your goals and reaching your dreams. Keep pushing. Every day is a little easier even if you don't feel it or see it. Every day your body is adapting a little more to the new normal and soon it will thrive! When you ask what you have done, remember you have given yourself a chance at a happier, healthier life. Keep plugging and you will get there both mentally and physically. Lean on us anytime you need to. I know you may not want to, and that is perfectly okay. But we are here for you either way!