how to use a support group

[dianeseattle]

This isn't an instruction. it's how I use support groups. I have an anecdote!

I think I mentioned I've been through a lot lately, emotionally, peaking when a friend was murdered but unbelievably, going on after that. My son has been in a relationship with a woman who turned out to be incorrectly gender-assigned, so s/he's been working toward transitioning sexually for a while. I've always been close to both of them and my son, in the past, used to brag about what a great mom he has.

But as it turns out, both of them were leaving me out of the loop. I just spoke to my son a week or so ago about Artie and he said nothing was happening. Then I open my Instagram page and there s/he is, wrapped in a huge surgical bandage, following top surgery (breast removal). Why didn't my son tell me? Why did I learn about it at the same time as the rest of the world?

I wrote a bit about that here, I think, but also ended up calling the Warm Line, which is little sister to the crisis line. I actually had been swirling for a couple of days with suicidal thoughts. This is, unfortunately, part of a mental illness I have called PTSD. I was brutally beaten by mom all my life, as were a few of my siblings. She had 8 kids. That's too many, considering her husband was gone at least half the month for work.

Anyway I worked hard to raise my son with love and support and to help support his self-esteem. He still did some really horrible things, which are unique to his own mental health and drug use, and once when he was 14 or so he disappeared for six months.

This had nothing to do with me but I took all the blame for it anyway.

So why didn't he tell me about Artie's surgery? Why did he lie to me when I asked if it was going to happen?

I'm grateful for the crisis line and the warm line but this has hurt me so deeply that i've been fighting suicidal thoughts (first attempt, I was 17)) or actions (five hospitalizations) and even if I can coexist with those thoughts of self-destruction, they color my day.

I read your stories, especially Roni lately, and you can't believe how much you comfort me. You don't even know what's going on but by sharing, you are supporting me. Intellectually, I know what's right. And my god, I didn't go through RYGB so I could end up killing myself over something else that was affecting my life. Again, Roni, you've been through so much. My heart aches for you and If I prayed, I'd be doing that. Instead, I'm sending you real love. It's going to take a while for you to feel better and really, you'll never get over it completely. Your life is forever changed. Thank you for sharing it with us. We all support you as much as we can. I am sending you a special thank you and well-wishes. I have endless admiration for you.

Thank you to this entire support group. Not only have you helped me stay at a healthy weight since 2008 or so, but so often you have embraced me with love, privately and in the group postings. Like so many others here, I'm hurting and that's going to go on for a while. I'm so glad I have this warm little nest to snuggle down in while you all cover me with your wings of love.

 

[missyinacage]

Ah, Diane. I'm sorry you are struggling. Please do not take this the wrong way, as I mean this in the kindest and most caring way possible. Please seek professional help. This is not an emotionally healthy reaction to the situation. And we are not remotely equipped to deal with suicidal thoughts or the possibility of suicidal actions. I genuinely mean this with only your best interest at heart. I hope you can find the help you need.

 

[dianeseattle]

Absolutely, Missy. I've already taken the necessary steps and am waiting for the referrals. I'm not a bit offended by your suggestions, and I have read similar posts in this group over the last 15 or 16 years I've been hanging out. Sometimes depression just goes there, even though it's what's called "ideation," not an urge. I've been having an unusually difficult time in my life which drives the despair that allows those thoughts to kind of cycle around without end. But in case anyone was worried, no need. I just had a nice long talk with a supportive friend (my ex-husband and best friend all rolled into one person) who knows me deeply. It was really helpful. The key here is to REACH OUT. Sometimes relief doesn't come for a long time and the depression can get worse. But the bottom line for me is that I KNOW my life is worth living and when the negative cycle begins, I can slow down and list off all the things I want to do, the things I plan to do, and the successes I've already achieved. Thanks, Missy. You're the sweetest.

 

[mam]

Hi Diane, I'm really sorry to read about your friend's murder and your struggles with your mental health. I'm not trained to give advice about ideation but I know it's good you acknowledge that is an issue for you and that you've reached out to those who are trained in handling ideation. I hope if you continue to struggle with ideation that you continue reaching out and try to remember the fond memories you have of your friend. And keep the news off tv if you can! I live with my mother because I help take care of her and she is a real news junkie, but whenever I hear stories of things like mass shootings or murders, I either leave the room for a while or put on my trusty earphones. Please know your advice on this site is so helpful and I am thankful for your support and information you so willingly share!

 

[dianeseattle]

thank you, mam. You'll be happy to know that I did call my county's resource for listing various levels of therapists. Now I'm waiting for a call back. But just knowing I started the process has given me a sense of reassurance. I have requested online only because, to be honest, I'm really phobic about having people in my house. I'm always looking around seeing flaws and wondering what s/he thinks of me. It's surprising how many specialties these therapists embrace. I can't rise above all the horrible things that are happening, but I can control the environment in my own house, which is comforting. And I've incorporated some tools like jounaling and meditation and especially, affirmations, which are SO helpful. Being raised in a family of 10, I alternated between being ganged up on and forced into the center of negative attention. So I decided just to focus on me, to make myself the most important person in my consciousness. I still have a lot of obstacles because I'm agoraphobic. Stepping out of my door can send me into either a full-blown panic attack, or cause me to burst into tears of fears.

You can't be physically abused every day of your life and turn out just fine. You have to find a way to consciously protect yourself, and to be honest about the fact that you were abused and it's NOT going to happen anymore. My biggest problem is finding someone who accepts my insurance. Because of the inequities of wages as I grew up, I was always behind financially. But I have a gift of writing, and that's going to save my life.