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I finally got enough courage, and it blew up in my face!!

O

ofiesty2

Member
Hi Everyone,
If you are unfamiliar with my situation. Here it is. I struggle with my weight to the point that I am about 100 pounds overweight. I know that I am an emotional eater, and I have tried to lose weight in the past but I have been unsuccessful!! I decided earlier this month, that I was interested in having Bariatric surgery to help me lose the weight that I need. Some of the health problems that I have are Type 2 Diabetes, Sleep Apnea, IBS, Fibromyalgia, back pain, and some other stuff. Anyways, after I made my appointment for my first visit, I was scared to tell my family. On Monday, I finally decided to tell 2 people. I was actually proud of myself for realizing the issues that I do have, and for recognizing that I may need more help than before. It is correct that I have lost weight before, however I was unable to stick to it. I told my mom and my Aunt who immediately started going off saying that "You don't need that", and mentioning how I have lost weight before. Then my mom's next comment kind of hurt as well. She told me basically how much she loves to eat, basically she eats what she wants, at every chance she get. I know that I want to be healthier for myself, and my children. Maybe I shouldn't be hurt but I was. Maybe I was asking too much for my mom and my aunt to support me. They don't have any issues with their weight, and are healthy. It just took a lot for me to admit that I have a problem, and that I want to seek outside help other than myself. What are your thoughts? Has anyone else went through the same thing? How did you handle it. Thanks for reading
 
It took a long time for my mom to come around. She kept saying "are you sure you want to go through with this?" She would point out all of the things I was giving up, etc.... I also did get the good old just diet comments. I would just say it's hard for me to but I believe this will help my health.

I didn't intentionally try to turn her around but lately (I'm 9 days post-op) all she says is she's so impressed with my commitment and dedication. It's amazed me. She tells other people about my dedication and has been really supportive. She walks with me every day, makes sf jello, et. I don't ask her to make the jello but she says she wants to lol. I understand it's a mom thing.

Hang in there! This too shall pass. My mom was negative for months and now is great. One other thing that helped is educating her on the process. I asked her if she would like to more about the surgery and once we started talking she was full of questions. I showed her my binder and let her come along to a pre-op class too.
 
Hi,
Thanks for the reply. I'm not sure if she will come around. I don't think that she's that type of person. She is set in her own ways, and she has an opinion of how I am supposed to do things in my life. And since I am not following that path she and my aunt feels the need to give their opinion. I was going to invite her to my first appointment or others that she would be interested in going to. I kind feel like she isn't in a position to understand because she doesn't share of the same struggles that I do. I understand her that she is a concerned because of complications which I have experienced when I had my gallbladder removed (I had IBS after that), also because I had a bad reaction to one of the pain medications that I was given, and the idea of going under anesthesia. And her perception is that I am not big enough to get the surgery. I do know and understand that I am and my BMI is too high. I have some same concerns that she has. I do plan to educate her in the process, and I am glad that you suggested it. I think that it took a lot for me to say that I am needing extra help in my weight loss journey. I am also looking forward to going through some of the issues that I have in therapy, learning about my health, learning new things/ways to eat. I am proud of you for getting the surgery!! You hang in there as well, as I plan to do the same thing!! Thanks again for reading.
 
I still have not told my whole family. I told my uncle that had the surgery already and his wife but no one else. They are supportive. They told me that it is a real change and it won't be easy. I chose to tell them first because I knew they understood. I just recently told my cousin and she made fun of the whole situation. The fact that I was on the liquid diet and everything. Now she is not skinny but she is not as big as me. So I decided from her that I would not tell no one else in my family.
 
My mother also didn't think I needed surgery. Years ago when contemplating it I heard, "You've lost it on your own many times, you just need to get motivated again". She doesn't recognize surgery as the valuable, long-term tool that I do. She never had a weight issue.

I didn't tell her I had surgery until about a month afterward. I wanted to be feeling good physically and emotionally first. When I did tell her, it was in an upbeat, excited tone. I made it out like it was a very simple procedure and virtually painless, no biggie (we all know better).

Tomorrow is 4 months post-op for me and she still hasn't really accepted it. Even when she mentions that I look good, if try to get into details like the amount I've lost, she doesn't want to hear it, she'll tell me that I'm too obsessed with it.

I think there's some guilt for her because she was my harshest critic about my weight growing up. Insults were cruel and frequent and I'm sure she cringes when she thinks back to doing that to her little girl. She was a young mother and didn't know better at the time, I think she thought it was tough-love. I've forgiven her but I know she feels like she messed me up in the self-esteem/body-image areas. Perhaps she contributed but I've done a number on myself since adulthood.

So long story but some people won't ever accept this choice but it's yours to make. ;)
 
Hi,
Thanks for all of the replies. And thank you all for the emotional support. My mom has been one of my harshest critics on my weight loss. My aunt kinda follows along. I think that I look to them for support but I think I need to get that from myself. It’s something that I have to work on in time. I don’t plan on telling anyone else about the surgery that’s I plan on having. Letting another people control my emotions is something that I’ve dealt with my whole life and that I will address. I never see me getting weight loss surgery as giving up. I see it as I have struggled with my weight for a long time. I see the surgery as a tool and not a way to fix everything. I will do the hard work that it involves. Thanks everyone for the response.
 
dianeseattle said:
I'm a big believer in not telling anyone who doesn't need to know. As many people here have said, people don't understand why you have to have surgery instead of just dieting. Whatever their motivations are for trying to burst your bubble, it is not helpful and until you shared the information with them, it was none of their business.

One of these days I'm going to have a needlepoint sampler made just for me and it's going to say:

FAMILY IS FATTENING

I no longer have anything to do with my incredibly dysfunctional family. I don't miss them and I don't care if I ever see them again, with the exception of a grand niece who I adore. I hope to run into her at some annual extended family picnic, or I hope she will look for me when she's old enough to go places on her own.

But before I cut off contact with them, I had already had my surgery and lost all that weight. I took fiendishly devilish enjoyment out of seeing how jealous they all were. It would have been appropriate for them to be happy for me and to compliment me. But their responses ranged from pretending they didn't notice to actually saying they were jealous. Someone even started a rumor, saying (behind my back) that I had had weight loss surgery. It was true, but I never told any of them, and there was no way they could ever find out.

And my mother told me I was too skinny. She was actually right, because I had lost too much weight. I had to work very hard to gain some of it back so I didn't look like a skeleton. But it was no different than all the criticism she had leveled at me all my life.

So maybe you can't turn back time and un-tell them, but I hope others reading your story will decide to protect their privacy instead of telling everyone. After all, FAMILY IS FATTENING
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I absolutely told no one except my husband because I knew they wouldn’t understand
 
My boyfriends mother was not happy that I choose to have the surgery. She is upset that I can't go out to eat with her and everything. Should it bug me as much as it does? I just had surgery yesterday I think she really wants that I told you so moment. I have heard for months you don't need that, I could work that weight off you in no time and Of course we can just go walking more which she isn't going to do. My family and my boyfriend are 100% on my side. Just because I lost 20 pounds with the 3 week liquid diet doesn't mean it will stay that way with out the surgery. Should it bug me this much?
 
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Hi,
I’m glad that you had the surgery!! Congratulations on doing what is best for you. I think that it’s sometimes hard not to let people’s opinions and thoughts both you. I’m not going to sit here and say that your boyfriends mothers opinion shouldn’t both you because is feel that if it was me it would bother me. And that’s why that in time it’s best if you/me learn to get support from ourselves. But it takes time and it’s not an overnight thing. As far as going out to eat I normally only go with my mother which is one an extremely rare occasion. However, because I have IBS and depending on the symptoms that I am having the restaurant and food selection can differ and sometimes we are not able to go out to dinner. I think that just because you lose 20 or so pounds doesn’t mean that weight loss surgery is not for you. I have lost weight as well over 20 pounds but it doesn’t mean that a weight loss surgery will not benefit me. If you/and I think that we could use extra help and am willing to make commitments then I am all for getting the surgery!! Good luck!! I’m proud of you!!If you need any support reach out to me anytime.
 
Hi, thanks for the reply. It would be nice if my mom comes around but I want to mentally do some work just in case she doesn’t. I want to have the mental capacity to be ok if she doesn’t. Nearly every time I go to a family members house someone is always asking if I want something to eat or drink so I understand it as a sign of hospitality. However, not in her house. As far as my weight she has been a cause of some of my weight issues as far as her mental abuse. I think that she just has an idea of what she expects my life to be, as far as what I should eat, how much, when, etc. I also think it’s a control thing. I think the more I start to learn to love, accept, and support myself the more her words won’t hurt me. Thanks for the reply.
 
dianeseattle said:
I was a very vulnerable and naive member of my family. A lot of what was talked about was ethics and morals and the strict Christianity that Dutch people follow, which was actually shame-based and harmful.

It wasn't until I was in my 50s that I realized the founder of the church, John Calvin, was a mass murderer who killed anyone who didn't subscribe to his version of Christianity. One so-called heretic, Michael Servetus, who was hiding from Calvin and was discovered with all of his letters and treatises, was burned at the stake. There couldn't be a worse death than that. But to make it even worse, Calvin had his papers wrapped in a bundle around his neck with a rope, like a huge Elizabethan collar. When the fire ignited the papers, you can only imagine the pain this poor man suffered. John Calvin was a sadist. And yet for some reason, my church, contemporary with the theology of Martin Luther, splintered from Catholicism just as he had. Millions of people followed over the years. A lot of my 18 pairs of aunts and uncles and 70 first cousins became ministers, missionaries or extremely pious spiritual leaders in the church.

I mentioned this because religion, especially, stuffs theology down children's throats, like a poison that is worse than tainted food. A child who is body-shamed by God, speaking through a representative who might be a mother or father or teacher or minister in the church, with complete control over the child, has a very little chance of growing up with any self-esteem. Perverted religion is one of the leading causes of eating disorders, even though most people are too afraid to admit it, because they believe God will condemn them to hell.

Like I said, I was naive. And when I was in my teens and twenties, I was slim and fit, even though I thought I was fat and ugly. I really didn't have any idea that anyone cared about my body. But one day I stopped in to visit my sister, who had always been a little chubby, although she was just beautiful with blond hair and bright blue eyes and a sweet smile. She was the perfect child in my family. It had been a while since I had seen her and during that time she had lost a lot of weight.

She was usually quite aloof and snotty. But she became really animated and grabbed my hands and said, "Come on, let's go in the bathroom and weigh ourselves!" I said no. She continue to badger me until I went into the bathroom with her. I got on the scale first and weighed 132 lb. I was fully dressed with shoes on and it was late in the day. She jumped on the scale and weighed 127 lb. I said, "So what? You weigh less than me. Why is that important?" And she said, "Because you were always the one to beat."

Imagine my surprise. I didn't even know it was a competition. And I sure didn't know that I was the champion she was determined to beat.

Obviously, I could go on and on, like I usually do! But I just wanted to mention this aspect of what I believe is child abuse, and illustrate how it manifested in my own family. I am quite sure this jealousy she felt, which she told me about many times regarding my other talents and her envy of them, is the reason why I hate her guts today!

A family is supposed to be something wonderful, like you see on TV, the stuff people write novels about. But in reality, I think most families are prisons composed of resentment and competition and twisted love.

You are safe with us, Feisty. Nobody here is going to say anything hurtful to you, and all of us, I can guarantee, are behind you 100%.
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Hi Diane
I agree with you on the subject of family. My sister for YEARS resented me. When my brother passed away she decided to "enlighten" me how she felt. Jealouscy is a fickle thing. Talk about being nieve the whole time! I'm ok with no more contact with her.
 
I think for the most part we all want to love our parents and have their support for the decisions we make in our life. We can only hope that they will change and support us but if they do not, then you have to do what is best for you and your own health. You are the one that has to live with the decision you made and you should be proud of it.
 
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