Some of you have seen some of my story posted on a chat thread posted by Diane. Yes I have been through hell and back. I know people say I should not of forgave my mother but I did it for myself not her. I would not be the woman I am today if it was not for all the good and the bad. Life is what made me who I am. There are so many what ifs.
What if my father did not pass away when I was one
What if my mother did believe me when I told her about being raped.
What if my aunt would of keep me from my mother.
What if she never gave me to an older man
what if ...
So many what if's. If it was not for the life I lived I would not be as strong as I am today. Every situation is there to teach you another lesson. I have had a lot of lessons in my days. And every lesson I learn made me a better person then I was before. I am a better mother because I watch for signs that I remember going through. My sons know how to respect the females around them. They know the right from wrong. And they know that in no way will I allow anything to happen to them like what happened to me. I push everyday to keep going and it is for what I have been through is what make me strong enough to keep going.
I’m happy you have found a way to forgive her and hopefully move on. I hope you know my comment was , I don’t forgive her for what she did to you. I wasn’t judging.
Thanks Diane. Forgiveness is not for everyone. There was a comment that said they would not forgive my mother for what I have been through. I choose to forgive her because I did not want to carry the hate with me. It was my first step of healing myself. I used to hold so much anger towards her. All that anger was not healthy for me nor for my young kids. I felt like I was stuck taking care of her. I was always angry with something she would say. But my mother had her problems as well and it was not until I went to the doctor with her That I found out that my mother has suffered with depression and anxiety since my father passed away. I made it worse because I looked so much like my father. I made her depression worse for her but she was not trying to stay on her meds and she stopped caring about me. I went through hell. She would not let me go anywhere. And I was not allow to be around friends. She would never buy me clothes and stuff. I was to a point all I wore was black and white. I did not want to bring attention to my self. When I had my first son, his father started to buy my clothes and made me wear more colors. I started to go to doctors and church. Doctors told me that I was bipolar for so long. But once I forgave her the bipolar was not there any more. When she passed depression hit so bad. I tried so hard to pull my self out but I could not. I would go through so many anxiety attacks a day that my family would not allow me to drive. I had to move away from my home that I knew with my mother. I moved from Southern Indiana to Florida because I could not handle the depression of being there without her. I started to get better. But now the depression is not so bad anymore. But the anxiety is still there and I will have my days where I have more then 3 attacks a day for no reason. Other days I will be perfectly fine. But I don't care the anger with me no more. I feel free from my past. The after effects are still there but the anger from it is not there.
I’m happy you have found a way to forgive her and hopefully move on. I hope you know my comment was , I don’t forgive her for what she did to you. I wasn’t judging.
I just wanted to clear up. I did not do it for her. I did it for myself. I needed it for myself. I have been told plenty of times that I was stupid that forgave her. But she had the doctors saying I was bipolar. And it was not that. My depression was coming out as anger because I was mad at her. And it was always towards her who I blew up on. The day that I tried to put a car battery through her windshield with her in the car was the day I knew I had to change my life. I knew that was not who I was. How could I be so nice to so many people and be so mean to the woman that gave me birth. I went with her to a therapy appointment and the doctor pulled me in first and told me her problems and when he called her in and she started to talk about the past. It was heart breaking. Half of the stuff that happen to me should never happen but she was hurting as well. She could not handle looking at me so much. It is not an excuse but I understand as a parent and the father of your child was taken from you. Shoot I had just went through my kids father leaving me for another woman. I choose to forgive her because in the end I knew that is what I needed. If she accepted or not that was not on me. But I know that I was clear of the anger. I was never going to hold that anger again.
It is true. I have to live everyday with anxiety and depression. Being jumpy around people and crowds but I don't have to live with the anger from the past.
