Badgy
Member
I wanted to share with you that I've begun an intensive specialized therapy called DBT that has proven highly effective in treating the disorder that I have called BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I will be going through this therapy in addition to my bariatric journey. I'm hopeful that with the support of my therapist and my husband... and all of you... that I will come out the other side of this wormhole I've been stuck in and start my life anew both physically and mentally.
So here's a look inside my life with BPD:
Little Badgy was hurt terribly by those who were supposed to protect her. Throughout her whole life she thought she was a monster because of the darkness that blanketed her soul. She always felt different from everyone else; she never fit in without compromise.
Others seemed to walk on clouds in life, while she was condemned to pull a boulder wherever she went. Many times she climbed mountains, and just as she was about to reach the pinnacle, her boulder would pull her back down to the bottom. It didn't roll on its own, she kicked it. The top was for winners, not losers like her.
She doesn't have friends because they might actually "see her", and if they see her, they will leave her. She's stubborn to a fault because accepting help would be admitting weakness, or worse - owing someone - which is a trap. She seeks compliments yet refuses them. She seeks approval but rejects it.
She is incredibly cruel to herself. They are the voices of her past. Spoken by those who said they loved her. They play on a loop over and over every second of every minute of every day. She's too fat, too insecure, too flighty, too talkative, too loud, too lazy, too stupid, too irresponsible, too ugly, too emotional, too sexual, too weird, too judgmental, too impulsive, too cautious, too needy, too selfish, too, too, too, too...
Nothing will ever be good enough for her because everything is too good for her. She lives a life of diametrically opposed rules. No wonder it's so confounding. So heavy.
After nearly half a century of this way of l̶i̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ existing, she was growing tired. Her therapists withheld her diagnosis because it carried with it a stigma that they felt she couldn't overcome.
I'm just here to say - they were wrong.
Fighting for my life because I truly believe my life is worth fighting for. ｡◕‿◕｡
So here's a look inside my life with BPD:
Little Badgy was hurt terribly by those who were supposed to protect her. Throughout her whole life she thought she was a monster because of the darkness that blanketed her soul. She always felt different from everyone else; she never fit in without compromise.
Others seemed to walk on clouds in life, while she was condemned to pull a boulder wherever she went. Many times she climbed mountains, and just as she was about to reach the pinnacle, her boulder would pull her back down to the bottom. It didn't roll on its own, she kicked it. The top was for winners, not losers like her.
She doesn't have friends because they might actually "see her", and if they see her, they will leave her. She's stubborn to a fault because accepting help would be admitting weakness, or worse - owing someone - which is a trap. She seeks compliments yet refuses them. She seeks approval but rejects it.
She is incredibly cruel to herself. They are the voices of her past. Spoken by those who said they loved her. They play on a loop over and over every second of every minute of every day. She's too fat, too insecure, too flighty, too talkative, too loud, too lazy, too stupid, too irresponsible, too ugly, too emotional, too sexual, too weird, too judgmental, too impulsive, too cautious, too needy, too selfish, too, too, too, too...
Nothing will ever be good enough for her because everything is too good for her. She lives a life of diametrically opposed rules. No wonder it's so confounding. So heavy.
After nearly half a century of this way of l̶i̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ existing, she was growing tired. Her therapists withheld her diagnosis because it carried with it a stigma that they felt she couldn't overcome.
I'm just here to say - they were wrong.
Fighting for my life because I truly believe my life is worth fighting for. ｡◕‿◕｡
