Thanks for the details. That really helps.
But you need to know your stomach is NOT a lot bigger. You can research this for yourself, but the amount of time and effort it takes to stretch or enlarge an organ is Herculean. That's not your problem.
What an amazing journey you describe. 128 pounds lost! You can bet a lot of people who are reading this right now are inspired by your success.
I would encourage you to increase your water intake. I know there is a school of thought that we shouldn't drink water with meals, or for 30 minutes before or after. But I disagree with that. I drink water before, during and after a meal. I think drinking water before a meal helps with digestion and offsets any empty-stomach pain.
Stating the obvious, you should only consume three meals a day. Changing back to healthy habits will be hard to do and you'll go a little crazy, but try it.
If you want to eat more often, keep a food diary. Plan your consumption in advance and make sure you include a little snack or two. Count the calories and protein grams as you note these in your diary. Tick them off when you've consumed them.
Weigh and measure everything you eat. Chew each bite at least 20 times. Put your fork or spoon down and your hands in your lap while you chew. Make every meal last at least 20 minutes, and shoot for 30.
When you feel hunger, don't eat. Do something else, like putting a quarter in a jar or changing your clothes or buying a piece of jewelry. You need to reorient your body to actual hunger. This phantom hunger is not your friend and if you ignore it, you won't die of starvation.
You can work your way back down and still dress up your diet, as well. Don't deny yourself a baked potato or a bowl of ice cream. Just measure it first and make sure you write down its composition HONESTLY.
You obviously love yourself, but right now, you're panicking. You're not sure what's going to happen. You've turned to your old best friend: your eating disorder, and man, does that food taste and feel good. But the hangover is filled with shame, and you do not deserve such a punishment. You're proud of yourself. You can do amazing things. I'm not lying and if you would look deeply, you'd be able to see all your accomplishments. Spend some time with a memory of a great moment in your life.
Find five affirmations either in your own mind, or by researching the internet. Repeat them over and over, several times a day. The more you repeat something, the more it becomes part of you. The more bites of food you eat, the more it becomes a part of you. Choose love and respect, not the food monster.
Many years ago I was at the home of a friend. Her father had dug a pit in the back yard, lined it with rocks and boulders and directed the natural spring to fill it. It was an icy cold, dark, swimming hole. We were outside, standing beside it, with another friend who was visiting with her pre-school-aged son. We got caught up in our adult conversation and no one noticed when he wandered off. The next thing I knew, he had fallen into the pool and was thrashing around, swallowing water and drowning.
His mother panicked and stood next to the pool screaming. She was completely paralyzed by fear and useless to help him. I didn't know how to swim and had nearly drowned a couple of years earlier. I was 17. I jumped in the bottomless, freezing pool and grabbed the child and dragged him to the edge. I don't know how I did it, but instinct took over and fear didn't exist. I had no choice but to save his life. I was kind of the rescuer in my family, so it was a habit.
Sometimes when I feel awful, I remember that day vividly. I stretch the story out to include the shining sun and the cool air and the fragrance of the pines along the boundary line. Not only does that story remind me that I'm a good person, but hunger doesn't even enter into my tapestry of feeling and memories of that day. Happy. Not hungry. Hard to believe I did that. But undeniable.
Even so, I have to fight off all the gremlins in my head that want to ruin that story for me, the negative thoughts that try to make it less important. I fight until I win. Then I emerge from my meditation feeling alive and even a little heroic.
We all have stories like this but sometimes they've been drowned out (no pun) by the eating disorder and all its negative thoughts. It tries to drag you down to the point where your only recourse is to eat until you feel better.
You're amazing. If you can't accept that, start smaller. You're accomplished. Or you're smart. Or look what you've done. You somehow lost a huge amount of weight and improved your life. Fight for that. You did it once. You can do it again.
And here's the thing about COVID. It's never going away. There will always be people who don't wash their hands and don't take it seriously, and each of those people infects 100 more, and that 100 infects 1000, and so on. Until a vaccine is developed, we have to adjust our way of life to include this deadly virus. Fortunately, we can. Masks and gloves and staying out of crowds will protect us a lot. But we're going to be messed up for years. Grab whatever victory you can before COVID takes it away. When you survive, you have defeated the virus. Good for you.
Don't let COVID take your victory away. Find a way to defeat the stressors that are fueling your eating disorder. There's no reason you have to die of the virus or one of the comorbidities of obesity. Giving up feels much worse than cutting back on your food consumption.
Please reach out to us for support, and tell everyone in your life that you are making a change and need their support, too. Grab as much love as you can and give it to yourself. You can come back. Just refuse to accept failure.
