Personality changes in pre-surg hubby?

[sleepysarah]

My husband is going through the Lebanon PA Veteran’s Admin. bariatric surgery program. We’ve finally gotten a date for surgery (which may change: March 3, ‘20).
He needs to lose wait pre-surgery though.

But he won’t tell anyone why. And he won’t let me tell anyone either. He says I’m being selfish, that he’s the one who needs support! He’s never said things like that before! We’re Christian and I’ve always been his “helpmate”. We pray together and he’s told me about his weight struggles and food addiction. But now he has clammed up. Won’t talk to his family or mine about the surgery.

I need support too! I’ll be his caregiver after surgery. He has a rotten memory... if he wants me to “help” him, I’m going to need some back-up for when I need to rant or just talk about how I feel because he struggles with me, as a woman, being more emotional than he is.
I tried to explain this to him. “You’re not alone in this.” “This effects both of us.” “Why can’t I talk to anyone about this? What if I have struggles too?”

Is this a normal attitude for guys who are pre-surgery? Will he treat me, his wife, like this after the surgery too?

 

[sleepysarah]

I don’t have many people supporting my own struggles with chronic illness. It’s an invisible illness, no one knows unless I tell them. I’ve struggled with depression & suicidal thoughts because I had NO ONE to back me up. Even my husband didn’t understand me.
It took time, but now I know when I go through a struggle, I need support. My husband is a “typical guy”, he doesn’t seek support until he’s desperate. But as a woman, wrestling with a woman’s emotions, I need support.
I never said I want to “tell everyone.” I’m just frustrated that he doesn’t want me to even tell ONE person who can hug me when I cry, listen when I rant, and give me advice.
My husband doesn’t understand why I need support. Ctotally focused on his own struggle, and it blinds him to how it effects me. We are one, as a married couple. What I do effects him, and vice versa, whether we see it or not.
I’m trying not to be selfish. But he has a history of not sticking to things. He has ADD and is very forgetful. He is a delivery trucker so he has crazy hours and poor food choices.
He admits that I have helped him make better choices and keep a routine. But by turning his back on me now, I’m afraid he’ll “relapse” and not be able to stick to the very strict routine facing him.
But I can’t tell him that. How do I deal with this struggle alone? Some Christians would say “just give it to God.” But I believe God has given us friends for support and comfort as we go through the chaos in life. How can I respect my husband’s needs without support? I’ve seen so many comments that say I’m the one being selfish, I need to respect him, I need to focus on his needs... don’t they see that if I crumble, he will too? We married because we saw that we needed each other. Right now he’s acting like he doesn’t need me. I know he’s overwhelmed. I respect his privacy. I don’t want to blab, I just want his permission to have ONE friend that he trusts too, to back me up so I can back him up at my best.

 

[Brenda2010]

I'm single so can't contribute much to this topic but I agree with Diane that this is your husband's journey and responsibility. What are your fears? Why do you feel you need outside support? I'm just curious because this surgery, while life changing, is relatively routine these days. It is rare for any complications and he'll likely only need to stay in the hospital overnight. Once home, he'll just need to rest for a few days, as if he had a flu. I live alone and was perfectly fine to take care of myself. It will be much less burdensome than you're anticipating.

It's unfortunate that many people have opinions about this surgery, but it's a fact. Obesity is viewed as a choice, the person is lazy with no self-control. There is a lot of shame we carry along with the pounds. Some people view surgery as an "easy way out" which is not true but the stigma is there. So I can completely understand your husband wanting to keep this between the two of you. I only trusted a few people with this, most people in my life still don't know.

We're certainly here to support you. I understand that you love your husband and will worry but rest assured that this surgery shouldn't entail a lengthy, difficult recovery. He should be up walking everyday and should feel better than ever after a few weeks. He'll be on his way to being a much healthier man!

 

[sleepysarah]

Lots of misunderstandings here (expected).
My husband was a bachelor for decades after he divorced his first wife. And he still acts like it. So, until it becomes uncomfortable to the point of physical pain, I let him stew in his mess. Which means I can’t invite anyone over without saying “Ignore the mess... it’s not mine.”
He is not the kind of guy who sees the doc when he has a problem. This is truly his last ditch effort since he couldn’t control his own weight, can’t take meds or do diet plans because he quits half way through. I’m so cynical about him sticking to this, but he doesn’t know... can’t know that.
I believe in “J.O.Y.” For the most part. Jesus, others, you. But I’m floundering because no one believes I should need help when it’s “his issue”.
**My husband does not act like you say guys act. He doesn’t “do” emotions. Mine confuse him. Y’all who claim that guys are “just like us”, go read “You Just Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen. Men & women respond to emotion in VERY different ways.

Why do I need support? I’m an intorvert with a chronic illness. We live on fixed income (hence I can not buy books, hire a therapist, get a gym membership, etc.)
I hesitated to write here because few people understand that I’m dealing with my own struggles not to slide into depression and threaten to kill myself. If you’ve never been depressed, please do not respond. You need to be there to “get it”. There was a time when I had anxiety attacks and panic attacks at any trauma. I saw a therapist... all he did was listen. I needed advice, not just an ear. Now I’m trapped by my insurance (Medicaid PA) to who I can see.

There’s sooo much more I want to clarify because there’s so much you assumed that was wrong about me... I am not like someone you bump into on the street. And my relationship is special, close, spiritually & intellectually. We cherish this. We know it is unique.
This is the first time he hasn’t put himself in my shoes too, and he hasn’t even tried to compromise. He can’t do this on his own. The surgery is in Pittsburgh and we live in Lebanon. If you do research, you’ll see that his first post-op week of recovery will have to be spent miles away from home. He wants me to be there, but I can’t stay in their Family House unless he is there, which means when he’s in hospital, spending money for a hotel we can’t really afford.

We are wrestling with things happening months from now, but I can’t even do as the Bible says and “seek counsel” because I don’t want to betray my husband’s trust.
I’m sorry but I don’t think y’all understand the kind of marriage I’ve been talking about, and that is “Key”. You’ve made a lot of assumptions (remember what I’ve mentioned about my own illness and financial restrictions, plus hubby’s past inability to follow directions, stick to a routine, and remember simple things... he’s a not your average guy either... military, substance abuse, divorce, homelessness, finally opening his heart to the Lord ten years ago next year.)
Up into his 30s he was crazy about playing basketball and football. Now he shows symptoms of CTE, & definitely ADD. He won’t see a counselor. He doesn’t like seeing his doc. He stays away from pills (even OTC). He tells me I’m the only woman who ever stayed with him at the hospital when he ended up in the ER before we got married. He was used to one-night-stands, women he didn’t even know the name of, who could care less about him.
He’s finally seeing (after 6+ years) that a woman can sincerely be understanding, compromise, always be there when he gets home, listen when he needs to rant, be his “ezer” (Hebrew for “helper”: what Adam called Eve).

No, he’s not doing this alone. He doesn’t want to. He wants my help. But as my care-giver, he could talk to my dad (my mom has similar health issues to mine.). But as his “care-giver”, don’t I get someone to talk to?

Update: Tonight he let me mention to my mom via email that he’s started a diet “instructed by the doc to prep for bariatric surgery next year”. My mom’s not my ideal support person as she has a myriad of health and personal problems and I don’t want to add to them. But this email shows that at least he’s willing to open up a bit to my parents (his have passed). I mentioned it takes a while (if at all) for hubby to figure out what I’m trying to communicate if I use emotions foreign to him (he says guys like him don’t need a “support group”... but I’m not a guy!). So I need to quit stating my emotions when he asks “why”... I’m going to demonstrate why... by using his own experiences as an example.
“Honey, a few days after you realized how much detailed work and required routine this diet & future surgery will need, did you feel the desire to “tell someone” how it made you feel?” If I know him well he’ll agree. Slowly, with associations to his own feelings, I can help him analogically see what I feel too.
I’ve done this before successfully but not for anything this... big.

Thanks for caring!

 

[sleepysarah]

That is exactly what I need! Thank you so much! I pray God will give you strength in your struggles and peace to keep you from being overwhelmed!

 

[Brenda2010]

Many of us here can relate to your plight of deep depression. I have suffered with depression and anxiety since I was a child. Since I choose to self-medicate, I am also a recovering alcoholic. So I completely understand that every person has their own set of circumstances to deal with. I tell you this because you mention your husband has substance abuse in his past. Have you ever looked into Al-Anon? It's a wonderful program to support loved ones of those affected by substance abuse. Even though your husband may not struggle with the substance anymore, it sounds like he has walls up that may be tied to his past. I just wanted to mention the program.

 

[Tauheedah S Hasan]

My husband is going through the Lebanon PA Veteran’s Admin. bariatric surgery program. We’ve finally gotten a date for surgery (which may change: March 3, ‘20).
He needs to lose wait pre-surgery though.

But he won’t tell anyone why. And he won’t let me tell anyone either. He says I’m being selfish, that he’s the one who needs support! He’s never said things like that before! We’re Christian and I’ve always been his “helpmate”. We pray together and he’s told me about his weight struggles and food addiction. But now he has clammed up. Won’t talk to his family or mine about the surgery.

I need support too! I’ll be his caregiver after surgery. He has a rotten memory... if he wants me to “help” him, I’m going to need some back-up for when I need to rant or just talk about how I feel because he struggles with me, as a woman, being more emotional than he is.
I tried to explain this to him. “You’re not alone in this.” “This effects both of us.” “Why can’t I talk to anyone about this? What if I have struggles too?”

Is this a normal attitude for guys who are pre-surgery? Will he treat me, his wife, like this after the surgery too?

I understand your husband that's how I did I didn't need the added stress from and on my Children. I had my Fears my Children found out after I woke up from my Surgery!! We moved forward and never looked back!!!

 

[ebonymc]

I understand your husband that's how I did I didn't need the added stress from and on my Children. I had my Fears my Children found out after I woke up from my Surgery!! We moved forward and never looked back!!!

I'm planning on having surgery as well and also feel the same way. I don't want to tell family or friends. But I do wonder what to say when I start losing weight and they know that I had been hospitalized. I don't want them to think that I'm seriously ill. So what could I say?

 

[WazzuCoug]

A note from a guys perspective. Although many guys don't want to admit it, both pre-surgery and post-surgery can carry a lot of strange emotions that some men try to suppress. I can't speak for your husband, but sometimes it's a feeling of being defeated...you (meaning "guy getting surgery") were weak and unable to beat something as "simple" as obesity. A guy might think it is going to "spread from here" now that I've been proven as "weak." There can be a lot of illogical feelings about it. I'm not saying you should confront him and dig into to how he is feeling...that is probably not the best thing to do and would probably just upset him more by exposing his "weakness." There are various forms of this sort of self bashing that guys might go through. It's not every guy, for sure, but I know I went through something like that to the point that I felt at times like I should back out of the surgery and "try to lose weight 'naturally,' again" to prove my masculinity. It's a weird thing. Again, I can't say that's what's going through his mind, but it wouldn't shock me if there weren't things at play along those lines.

He may see himself as the person who is suppose to be "strong" and "providing" and now he may feel he is being put in a position that is completely foreign to him.

In my humble opinion, as a guy, he needs some time and space to sort through these feelings. It's weird, and after surgery it may be weird, but most likely as he starts to lose weight, regain health, get more energy and feel better, it's likely that he will be a better husband and a better person overall. Once he can let some of those things go and really be happy with his decision, he'll start feeling better. It's not something you an do for him, he's got to get there on his own, which may be frustrating at times, for sure.

Of course, you desire to help, support, nurture, and you'll still be able to do that. I don't think you should let him shut you out. That's not healthy either, but I think there is a balance of "supportive distance" when it comes to some guys, especially when they are likely dealing with emotions they aren't sure about.

I talked to my wife a lot about what I was feeling...pre surgery regrets, feeling weak or "unmanly" and on and on, but some guys just can't let themselves go there right away.

I suspect he'll come around. You may need to poke and prod here and there to encourage him to talk about what he's feeling, but he'll also need time to ruminate on this himself, most likely.

I hate painting broad strokes about men or women or anyone, and all I can do it speak to some of the things that ran through my mind, which may not be what he's going through at all, but there might be some similarities.

Best wishes moving forward, I'm hopeful that things will work out as he gets more comfortable with the decision and starts getting healthy after surgery.

 

[ebonymc]

A note from a guys perspective. Although many guys don't want to admit it, both pre-surgery and post-surgery can carry a lot of strange emotions that some men try to suppress. I can't speak for your husband, but sometimes it's a feeling of being defeated...you (meaning "guy getting surgery") were weak and unable to beat something as "simple" as obesity. A guy might think it is going to "spread from here" now that I've been proven as "weak." There can be a lot of illogical feelings about it. I'm not saying you should confront him and dig into to how he is feeling...that is probably not the best thing to do and would probably just upset him more by exposing his "weakness." There are various forms of this sort of self bashing that guys might go through. It's not every guy, for sure, but I know I went through something like that to the point that I felt at times like I should back out of the surgery and "try to lose weight 'naturally,' again" to prove my masculinity. It's a weird thing. Again, I can't say that's what's going through his mind, but it wouldn't shock me if there weren't things at play along those lines.

He may see himself as the person who is suppose to be "strong" and "providing" and now he may feel he is being put in a position that is completely foreign to him.

In my humble opinion, as a guy, he needs some time and space to sort through these feelings. It's weird, and after surgery it may be weird, but most likely as he starts to lose weight, regain health, get more energy and feel better, it's likely that he will be a better husband and a better person overall. Once he can let some of those things go and really be happy with his decision, he'll start feeling better. It's not something you an do for him, he's got to get there on his own, which may be frustrating at times, for sure.

Of course, you desire to help, support, nurture, and you'll still be able to do that. I don't think you should let him shut you out. That's not healthy either, but I think there is a balance of "supportive distance" when it comes to some guys, especially when they are likely dealing with emotions they aren't sure about.

I talked to my wife a lot about what I was feeling...pre surgery regrets, feeling weak or "unmanly" and on and on, but some guys just can't let themselves go there right away.

I suspect he'll come around. You may need to poke and prod here and there to encourage him to talk about what he's feeling, but he'll also need time to ruminate on this himself, most likely.

I hate painting broad strokes about men or women or anyone, and all I can do it speak to some of the things that ran through my mind, which may not be what he's going through at all, but there might be some similarities.

Best wishes moving forward, I'm hopeful that things will work out as he gets more comfortable with the decision and starts getting healthy after surgery.

you're right but it's not just men some women feel the same b/c their girlfriends get jealous and try to sabbotash them. And most husbands feel that other men would give us attention and that makes them jealous too. I also wanted to opt out of having the band years ago and thought I could try a little harder and do it on my own. gastric sleeve wasn't an option during those times, I wish it was an option

 

[ebonymc]

You can tell them that you are going to start a new eating plan and that is it is medically sound and should result in a significant weight loss.

They took my gallbladder out along with my RYGB. So I just told people the truth. I had my gallbladder removed.

People don't usually want to know the details of your physical changes. They just want to know how you lost weight. Offer to share your eating plan with them.

That's what I did with one of my sisters who was obese and I was hoping it would help her also. Ultimately, she was not able to lose the weight and she died 2 years ago. She was only 5 years older than me.

There's a difference between secrecy and privacy. We are all entitled to engage in both practices. And we are not required to tell anybody anything. But it is a good thing to have a plan.

If I had told them I had surgery, they would have done everything they could to ruin my accomplishments and make me feel like I had cheated to reach my goal.

Well, I have had my gall bladder removed several years ago, So if I said that I wouldn't be lying. well, maybe a little white one. My daughter lost 40 lbs in 3 months on the keto diet, I tried it but too much fat for my already high cholesterol and with no gallbladder too many trots.

 

[ebonymc]

Hello! I pondered a bit but have now decided to go through with it. I had my first consult today and Doc made it seem so simple. they do have steps I have to do like all the others including an expensive phyc evail and other things. Now I need 2 fulltime jobs to make this happen although I have 2 insurance coverages