Spouses and change

Suthy · Aug 29, 2022

23 days until surgery and I’m somewhere between excited and terrified! My husband and I leave for a 10 day vacation in a couple days, which will make the time go faster. I’m nervous because I feel like I’m going to want to eat/drink all the things I shouldn’t as a last hooray. Eating is one of our favorite activities to do together, and we’ve had a lot of practice over the last 30 years. Has anyone had any significant issues with spouses and changing dynamics due to having surgery? My husband is very supportive, that being said, we have a lot of shared bad habits and this is going to be quite the transition for us!

Kcuster83 · Aug 29, 2022

Maybe try creating healthier habits together.
You can still eat and enjoy food together, share healthier options at restaurants. Cook recipes at home together. Maybe start some type of activity routine together? Playing a 1 on 1 sport? (Tennis) Riding bikes?
I mean, of course he has to be willing to make these changes with you too rather than just supporting your changes.

eladams2015 · Aug 30, 2022

After my first surgery, I ended up divorced... while there was a LOT to that, the "final straw" in his book was that he did not want me thin or healthy because then he could not control me, who looked at me, etc. That was the best weight I lost ever, as he was very emotionally and mentally abusive... Irony is that the woman he was cheating with at the very end, was his "ideal" size at first, and now 8 years later, she had WLS and is getting healthy... I Thankfully my husband now is very supportive anything that makes me healthy and happy. Most of the activities we enjoy do not revolve around food, and he enjoys healthy eating, so there is not a lot of contention on that front.

Ange6012 · Aug 30, 2022

dianeseattle said:
MY longterm boyfriend broke up with me after I had the surgery. Turns out he liked me fat (bigger boobs, though they[re still DD). Go figger.

I am with you here. My hubby is what people have called a chubby chaser. Anytime I dieter he bought my favorite ice cream.

That being said, he had 3 stents placed in 2020, a real eye opener, stopped smoking, I put us on the mediterranean diet and he lost alot of weight.. I did not.. after this wls he was worried I would not eat "normally" anymore. Well almost 4 months later and 40 lbs off he's coming to terms with who I am. We plan to walk, bike and kyak but first I have 2 additional surgeries I need. 1 knee replacement from being hit by a car and an achillies spur and tendon repair.
So by next summer I hope to be able to participate.

Suthy · Aug 30, 2022

Kcuster83 said:
Maybe try creating healthier habits together.
You can still eat and enjoy food together, share healthier options at restaurants. Cook recipes at home together. Maybe start some type of activity routine together? Playing a 1 on 1 sport? (Tennis) Riding bikes?
I mean, of course he has to be willing to make these changes with you too rather than just supporting your changes.

My husband and I do enjoy cooking together. Lately we have been really enjoying harvesting all the great veggies from our garden and canning. He’s not big on exercise, but he never has a problem with me doing it, so I need to just stick with the plan.

Suthy · Aug 30, 2022

eladams2015 said:
After my first surgery, I ended up divorced... while there was a LOT to that, the "final straw" in his book was that he did not want me thin or healthy because then he could not control me, who looked at me, etc. That was the best weight I lost ever, as he was very emotionally and mentally abusive... Irony is that the woman he was cheating with at the very end, was his "ideal" size at first, and now 8 years later, she had WLS and is getting healthy... I Thankfully my husband now is very supportive anything that makes me healthy and happy. Most of the activities we enjoy do not revolve around food, and he enjoys healthy eating, so there is not a lot of contention on that front.

I feel fortunate to have a great partner that supports me in this journey. I quit smoking years ago and remember feeling thankful that my husband wasn’t a smoker. I’m just hoping I have the sense to stick to plan if he isn’t eating what I’m eating Hopefully he will get on board with more activities with me

drlydemure · Aug 31, 2022

I'm a month or two to go and my spouse supports me but they do all the cooking and still tries to give me too much on a 1200 calorie diet. Makes me nervous but they're worried about my health so the concern is there.

missyinacage · Sep 1, 2022

At the beginning of my journey, my husband was totally against WLS. Part of it was the risks, but part of it was food was a huge part of our lives. As in, on any road trip, he would plan every stop based on the best restaurants on the way lol He even went so far as to go to an informational seminar without me (at my request) and debated everything the doctor said until they told him that HE should not have surgery AND he should probably leave.

There were conflicts during my journey for sure, but 6 months ago, he had the sleeve!! 1 1/2 years after my surgery. You can't argue with results and when he saw how good I felt, he realized what I was aiming for was a long, healthy life. And wanted to share in that. Not to mention, I do all the cooking so he was eating healthier anyway. lol

So, your spouse may do a full 180 once they see you're committed to long term success. Those who love you will want to be a part of that success. Anyone who would leave a relationship over boob size never cared about their partner as a human being anyway.

drlydemure · Sep 3, 2022

missyinacage said:
At the beginning of my journey, my husband was totally against WLS. Part of it was the risks, but part of it was food was a huge part of our lives. As in, on any road trip, he would plan every stop based on the best restaurants on the way lol He even went so far as to go to an informational seminar without me (at my request) and debated everything the doctor said until they told him that HE should not have surgery AND he should probably leave.

There were conflicts during my journey for sure, but 6 months ago, he had the sleeve!! 1 1/2 years after my surgery. You can't argue with results and when he saw how good I felt, he realized what I was aiming for was a long, healthy life. And wanted to share in that. Not to mention, I do all the cooking so he was eating healthier anyway. lol

So, your spouse may do a full 180 once they see you're committed to long term success. Those who love you will want to be a part of that success. Anyone who would leave a relationship over boob size never cared about their partner as a human being anyway.

Thanks!!!

Suthy · Sep 11, 2022

missyinacage said:
At the beginning of my journey, my husband was totally against WLS. Part of it was the risks, but part of it was food was a huge part of our lives. As in, on any road trip, he would plan every stop based on the best restaurants on the way lol He even went so far as to go to an informational seminar without me (at my request) and debated everything the doctor said until they told him that HE should not have surgery AND he should probably leave.

There were conflicts during my journey for sure, but 6 months ago, he had the sleeve!! 1 1/2 years after my surgery. You can't argue with results and when he saw how good I felt, he realized what I was aiming for was a long, healthy life. And wanted to share in that. Not to mention, I do all the cooking so he was eating healthier anyway. lol

So, your spouse may do a full 180 once they see you're committed to long term success. Those who love you will want to be a part of that success. Anyone who would leave a relationship over boob size never cared about their partner as a human being anyway.

I’m hoping my surgery will have the same effect on my husband. He has more significant health concerns than I do and I really think weight loss would benefit him as well. I really like Diane’s idea of bringing the spouse to the nutritionist. It always helps to hear from a professional!

nsimon7 · Sep 21, 2022

This is a great thread! Thanks for this topic.
I have a husband who loves me and is fully committed to our relationship, however, he struggles with severe anxiety and is a food pusher. He loves to cook for us and loves to see us eat and enjoy the food he makes. If we are not appreciative and enjoy his food he feels betrayed.
Throughout our marriage he has not liked the food I make (because I use brown rice, whole grains, etc.,) so at this point he does most of the cooking. (I make them at least taste my recipes, but they end up eating something else and I have healthy left overs for me... not so bad really).
His anxiety brings up the desire to control things... thinking that will make him feel safer in his environment... and that includes deciding when meal times should be (weekends in particular... my daughter and I could sleep in and relax in bed and not have breakfast until noon... but he gets up and makes pancakes and sausage and drags us downstairs by 9 am). So, I'm very concerned about how he will handle this adjustment (me not wanting or appreciating his contribution of making food for the family), and how difficult he might make it for me. I got numbers for therapists that specialize in people with food issues, so hopefully they have availability and can help me stay strong and determined.
The big thing is: I can't wait to feel physically better so I have the energy to food shop and do more food prep for myself... even though my husband and daughter will likely not eat my food... at least not at first... I know after almost 20 years of marriage that I won't bring my husband to my way of eating, but my daughter is more open the change.
I'm going to need to stay strong on my own, not because my husband doesn't love and adore me, but because I will not be fulfilling his needs the way I have been for a long time.

missyinacage · Sep 21, 2022

I LOVE how you phrase this! That you won't be fulfilling his needs in the same way. That is an excellent description of the dynamic. You should point exactly that out to him. Because you are also not going to be fulfilling YOUR emotional needs with food anymore.

You are going to have to change your relationship with food and he is going to have to learn news ways to show his love and support. When you think about it, meeting this most basic need for your family is a wonderful way to show you care. BUT, it is important that it is done in way that is healthy. To over-feed your family is just as damaging as under-feeding them. If he would not leave you to starve, he must not lead you to excess either. Good luck in your journey.

Suthy · Sep 23, 2022

nsimon7 said:
This is a great thread! Thanks for this topic.
I have a husband who loves me and is fully committed to our relationship, however, he struggles with severe anxiety and is a food pusher. He loves to cook for us and loves to see us eat and enjoy the food he makes. If we are not appreciative and enjoy his food he feels betrayed.
Throughout our marriage he has not liked the food I make (because I use brown rice, whole grains, etc.,) so at this point he does most of the cooking. (I make them at least taste my recipes, but they end up eating something else and I have healthy left overs for me... not so bad really).
His anxiety brings up the desire to control things... thinking that will make him feel safer in his environment... and that includes deciding when meal times should be (weekends in particular... my daughter and I could sleep in and relax in bed and not have breakfast until noon... but he gets up and makes pancakes and sausage and drags us downstairs by 9 am). So, I'm very concerned about how he will handle this adjustment (me not wanting or appreciating his contribution of making food for the family), and how difficult he might make it for me. I got numbers for therapists that specialize in people with food issues, so hopefully they have availability and can help me stay strong and determined.
The big thing is: I can't wait to feel physically better so I have the energy to food shop and do more food prep for myself... even though my husband and daughter will likely not eat my food... at least not at first... I know after almost 20 years of marriage that I won't bring my husband to my way of eating, but my daughter is more open the change.
I'm going to need to stay strong on my own, not because my husband doesn't love and adore me, but because I will not be fulfilling his needs the way I have been for a long time.

I can really relate to this. My husband has a lot of anxiety as well, and food is his “love language“. He can be very regimented about meal times, in the past giving me a hard time if I say I’m not hungry. That being said, he has supported me with my pre-op diet, and so far after surgery, home just today! Good luck in this process, and it sounds like he really cares for you so he will most likely jump on board so you are healthier.