Confidentiality Broken

[Brenda2010]

Sigh... I've mentioned in several past posts that I kept my bypass surgery between me and the 3 closest people to me in my life. Most of my immediate family doesn't even know. I did have to disclose to my HR department since they would be seeing the paperwork from my doctor but told them to keep it confidential. They assured me that I didn't need to provide a reason to anyone, including my supervisor, other than I needed to take a 4 week medical leave. Well yesterday, exactly a year and a half later, I had a google meet with my boss and another coworker and we were joking about medical conditions coming up in our 40s and I mentioned my IBS. My supervisor asked, "Did that start after your gastric bypass surgery"? What???!!! I was stunned. Caught completely off-guard, I just said no and mumbled something about my gallbladder. I just needed to change the subject before it hung out there in the air. My heart was pounding, anxiety and anger at full force. I couldn't even tell you what was discussed after that.

Immediately after the meeting, I opened up a chat and wrote my supervisor that I had asked HR to keep my bypass surgery confidential and was very surprised that she knew about it, and that it was brought up in front of another person. She wrote back apologetically, saying she thought I told her. I said no, that I worked hard to keep it private. That when people asked about it back then, I just hinted about female issues so that the inquiry wouldn't go further. That the only people I told were my sister, brother in law and my best friend. That I had no choice about disclosing to HR since they'd be receiving my disability paperwork from my doctor. She wrote that she values confidentiality and that she would never ask HR why I someone was on leave. I told her that perhaps people suspected since I had lost so much and there was gossip. Maybe hearing that gossip, she assumed it was common knowledge? I have no idea how she found out but I'm sooooooo pissed off! Not to mention, bringing it up with this other woman present... She is the biggest gossip in the office and doesn't care for me. When I went into rehab in 2016, she was the one who everyone heard it from. So I'm outed, period. Confidentiality shattered. I feel like I was punched in the stomach. I asked my boss to speak with her and to please tell her to keep it to the 3 of us. I know this chick will not abide by that but I know my supervisor knows she's in deep if I hear from someone else that they heard it from one of them. I'd probably have grounds for a lawsuit. My boss is an attorney so she knows that this is big. She admitted that even if she thought I'd told her, she should have never assumed that I'd told everyone and mentioned it in the meeting with someone else there. Her last reply was that she must have deduced it since I went out for surgery, lost over 100 pounds and then I was open about my "skin surgery" (an insulting way to phrase it, all I ever called it was BODY CONTOURING surgery) a year later. She said she knows that many people have that done after bypass. So I'm being punished for her assumptions, correct or not.

Now I feel deceitful having had accepted compliments from people about the loss and not disclosing I'd had surgery. The diet plan that I told them I was following was what I was following, and I know that I still earned all the recognition I received for my hard work, but as many of you know, there are people who do not see it that way, will think it was easy for me and I could be perceived as a liar. No matter what, a lot of people are now going to have an opinion. I worked so hard on keeping this private... It was my decision and she stole that from me, a year and a half later.

I know that I can't let others' opinions matter but I am struggling to make my peace with this.

Thanks for listening guys.

 

[missyinacage]

That is horrible! And if your supervisor is a lawyer, she should certainly know better than to ever discuss any medical condition, known or not, with others. I would probably go to HR, if it was me. You know the gossipy coworker is going to "out" you. Or you could just flat out deny it. Say you told them both you did not have the surgery when your boss brought it up. Your supervisor certainly cannot back up the coworkers' story at this point, without going further down the rabbit hole. So, it's your word against hers. However, with that being said .. you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. We all know the reasons that diet and exercise don't always work, short term or long term, for obese people. You know that you've put in the work. You are not obligated to share your personal health struggles with your professional peers. Or anyone else for that matter, so please don't feel like you were deceitful. Even so, you're right. Some will judge you and think you took the easy way out. You've overcome a lot to get to the point you are at today. You'll overcome this as well. I'm still sorry that you have to. She had no right.

 

[Bill S.]

Wow Brenda that really sucks I agree with Missy she had no right to do that. I’m sorry you have to go through that but like Missy said and you know surgery is not the easy way out . Oh I know that too . I lost a friend who found out I had the bypass and he made me feel like I was a loser . Well I gave him a big F- U . I don care I did what I had to do and m so sorry you have to go through what was supposed to be confidential and you definitely have nothing to be ashamed of .

 

[Brenda2010]

Thanks Missy & Bill. I needed to vent to people who would understand how upset I am. I really appreciate your support.

Bill - I'm sorry you lost a friend because of telling him, what the hell?!?!?! I don't understand why people feel they have the right to have an opinion on this, it's a personal health choice!

Why are there discussions/gossip going on about my body in the workplace?

 

[Bill S.]

I just don’t get it why people like to gossip I sure wouldn’t be friends with them .

 

[Pink Julie]

Sigh... I've mentioned in several past posts that I kept my bypass surgery between me and the 3 closest people to me in my life. Most of my immediate family doesn't even know. I did have to disclose to my HR department since they would be seeing the paperwork from my doctor but told them to keep it confidential. They assured me that I didn't need to provide a reason to anyone, including my supervisor, other than I needed to take a 4 week medical leave. Well yesterday, exactly a year and a half later, I had a google meet with my boss and another coworker and we were joking about medical conditions coming up in our 40s and I mentioned my IBS. My supervisor asked, "Did that start after your gastric bypass surgery"? What???!!! I was stunned. Caught completely off-guard, I just said no and mumbled something about my gallbladder. I just needed to change the subject before it hung out there in the air. My heart was pounding, anxiety and anger at full force. I couldn't even tell you what was discussed after that.

Immediately after the meeting, I opened up a chat and wrote my supervisor that I had asked HR to keep my bypass surgery confidential and was very surprised that she knew about it, and that it was brought up in front of another person. She wrote back apologetically, saying she thought I told her. I said no, that I worked hard to keep it private. That when people asked about it back then, I just hinted about female issues so that the inquiry wouldn't go further. That the only people I told were my sister, brother in law and my best friend. That I had no choice about disclosing to HR since they'd be receiving my disability paperwork from my doctor. She wrote that she values confidentiality and that she would never ask HR why I someone was on leave. I told her that perhaps people suspected since I had lost so much and there was gossip. Maybe hearing that gossip, she assumed it was common knowledge? I have no idea how she found out but I'm sooooooo pissed off! Not to mention, bringing it up with this other woman present... She is the biggest gossip in the office and doesn't care for me. When I went into rehab in 2016, she was the one who everyone heard it from. So I'm outed, period. Confidentiality shattered. I feel like I was punched in the stomach. I asked my boss to speak with her and to please tell her to keep it to the 3 of us. I know this chick will not abide by that but I know my supervisor knows she's in deep if I hear from someone else that they heard it from one of them. I'd probably have grounds for a lawsuit. My boss is an attorney so she knows that this is big. She admitted that even if she thought I'd told her, she should have never assumed that I'd told everyone and mentioned it in the meeting with someone else there. Her last reply was that she must have deduced it since I went out for surgery, lost over 100 pounds and then I was open about my "skin surgery" (an insulting way to phrase it, all I ever called it was BODY CONTOURING surgery) a year later. She said she knows that many people have that done after bypass. So I'm being punished for her assumptions, correct or not.

Now I feel deceitful having had accepted compliments from people about the loss and not disclosing I'd had surgery. The diet plan that I told them I was following was what I was following, and I know that I still earned all the recognition I received for my hard work, but as many of you know, there are people who do not see it that way, will think it was easy for me and I could be perceived as a liar. No matter what, a lot of people are now going to have an opinion. I worked so hard on keeping this private... It was my decision and she stole that from me, a year and a half later.

I know that I can't let others' opinions matter but I am struggling to make my peace with this.

Thanks for listening guys.

I’m sorry that happened Brenda, but I can’t say I’m surprised. You know how people love to gossip! Your blood must have ran cold. Try not to care what anyone else says or thinks, you have done an amazing job and you look phenomenal. The gossip will die down and someone else will soon be the subject. Hold your head up high and ignore them. be proud and enjoy the rewards of your success.

 

[3momchaos]

How infuriating! It’s no one else’s business how people lose weight or maintain their health. I’m sorry this happened to you. You are a strong woman, and I know you’ll triumph through this. Some people live their lives off envy, and they can’t just be happy with their lives so they have to judge other. You’re amazing, don’t for getting that, and screw the haters!

 

[Roseanne37]

Brenda, I feel so bad for you. Your confidence has been broken, How dare people "talk" about your life and decisions you have made. I, too, have told very few people. At the beginning, I told a my best friend and my sister in law because I knew how much time I'd be spending with them. Well, not an encouraging word from either of them. Both tried to talk me out of it and my bf offered to go to Weight Watchers (again) with me. She didn't get it. So, I decided to tell my husband and a few very close friends who have supported me. So, I know how I'd feel if someone outside of my personal circle said something to me about my surgery. The supervisor who is a lawyer should be ashamed of herself--she can't be trusted. Now, though, I know how you feel betrayed. BUT, you are the winner here!! Your stats, weight loss, and new body are yours to keep and no one, not even the biggest gossipers or jealous souls can take that away from you. You worked very hard and You look terrific. No one can ever realize how much work it is for us after the surgery. People think that the surgery is magic--you go in heavy and come out thin. No way!! For now, let your supervisor stew, knowing what she did was wrong and dishonest. I hope that you are still working from home and don't have to see these people. If not, hold your head up high and know that you have the respect and love of your fellow support group members.

 

[LisaLisa]

Brenda, I'm so sorry and angry on your behalf that she did that to you especially in front of others. I think you may want to go to HR to report this, for a couple of reasons. First, someone in HR had to have told her and that's huge! Second, get it on the record, who knows what else this woman has done. She may be an attorney but HIPPA exists for a reason and HR needs to at least be aware of the violation, even if you don't want to sue.

Keep your head high and know that your decisions about your body are for you, only you. They do not get to weigh in on your life.

 

[Cha01rla]

I think there is a part of our psyche that buys into the concept that WL surgery is the easy way out. It is a personal and yes, private decision that was made following much struggle. As I sit here 10 days before my revision surgery I know what I am facing, what we all go through and I can state I am not ashamed and isn't the easy way out. Your boss has an HR issue and she knows it.

 

[Brenda2010]

Thank you all very much for your amazing support and great insight. You are all very caring and special people. Thank you for being here for me.

I am still working from home so I still have some time before I need to go in to the office and face these women who had gossiped behind my back.

I'm so grateful that I granted myself permission to use the tool of WLS. I cannot allow others' opinions to make me feel any shame about that. This was the best decision I ever made, no one has the ability to take away that enthusiasm, unless I allow them to.

 

[Tokash]

While I agree she shouldn't have said anything, it could be very possible HR didnt say anything and she was going on assumptiin due to amount of weight loss/quickness of weight loss. Usually people only lose significant weight and fast after surgery or if they are ill and if other things were talked bout that related she might have just been able to put two and two together.

 

[Brenda2010]

While I agree she shouldn't have said anything, it could be very possible HR didnt say anything and she was going on assumptiin due to amount of weight loss/quickness of weight loss. Usually people only lose significant weight and fast after surgery or if they are ill and if other things were talked bout that related she might have just been able to put two and two together.

I am giving HR the benefit of the doubt, I really think they know how sensitive this information is to begin with, much more so since I repeatedly mentioned keeping it confidential. I agree that loosing the amount of weight I have, may have caused people to suspect surgery but I've been there 9 years and had lost as much as quickly twice in those years, without surgery. This is the main reason why I thought I could keep it confidential without raising any suspicions. Every few years I'd drop the weight and then regain it. So if there was to be gossip, I'd assumed it would be people wondering how long I'd be able to keep it off.

 

[eladams2015]

I absolutely hate the way that so many people feel entitled to know and discuss the medical issues of others. I mean, you have to sign a release that says a DOCTOR can speak to your SPOUSE about your medical conditions and treatment, why do co-workers, friends, or even other family feel like they have the right to the information!?! What if the reason for your weigh loss was due to cancer or some other condition? You just don't ever really know. People need to not assume things!!! I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I hope that it blows over and that no one else finds out. It was definitely wrong for your supervisor to mention it in front of anyone else.

 

[mmitti]

Brenda, THAT SUCKS. I'd be so pissed off. I recommend considering reporting to HR what happened in that meeting. Your supervisor has grounds to be disciplined big time. I'd say just get it on the record. Ditto to what everyone else said about you being the winner. You are one of my heroes on this board.
I had a friend out me. We ran into each other at the library, and she told the librarian I had had WLS. I was stunned that she did that. Some people are so stupid.
Keep on keeping on. You rock.

 

[Brenda2010]

Brenda, THAT SUCKS. I'd be so pissed off. I recommend considering reporting to HR what happened in that meeting. Your supervisor has grounds to be disciplined big time. I'd say just get it on the record. Ditto to what everyone else said about you being the winner. You are one of my heroes on this board.
I had a friend out me. We ran into each other at the library, and she told the librarian I had had WLS. I was stunned that she did that. Some people are so stupid.
Keep on keeping on. You rock.

Thank you so much and I'm sorry you were also "outed". What is wrong with people where they think this is a topic that they can bring up???!!!

 

[The BLJ]

And I totally understand how you feel the outing seems like a violation like some sort of assault it makes you vulnerable when we should decide who we are vulnerable with, she took that option away from you. I've only told my husband that is it.

 

[gzar]

This type of confidentiality is supposed to be protected by law even when it comes to your employer, governing even things they are allowed to ask of you. That your procedure would be brought up and discussed among other coworkers is willful denegration of you and completely lacking professionalism on their behalf - you would be fired if you did the same regarding a medical condition of the supervisor you swore to keep secret. I'd be considering lodging a formal complaint.

Sorry you experienced this.

 

[LeesaLou]

Sigh... I've mentioned in several past posts that I kept my bypass surgery between me and the 3 closest people to me in my life. Most of my immediate family doesn't even know. I did have to disclose to my HR department since they would be seeing the paperwork from my doctor but told them to keep it confidential. They assured me that I didn't need to provide a reason to anyone, including my supervisor, other than I needed to take a 4 week medical leave. Well yesterday, exactly a year and a half later, I had a google meet with my boss and another coworker and we were joking about medical conditions coming up in our 40s and I mentioned my IBS. My supervisor asked, "Did that start after your gastric bypass surgery"? What???!!! I was stunned. Caught completely off-guard, I just said no and mumbled something about my gallbladder. I just needed to change the subject before it hung out there in the air. My heart was pounding, anxiety and anger at full force. I couldn't even tell you what was discussed after that.

Immediately after the meeting, I opened up a chat and wrote my supervisor that I had asked HR to keep my bypass surgery confidential and was very surprised that she knew about it, and that it was brought up in front of another person. She wrote back apologetically, saying she thought I told her. I said no, that I worked hard to keep it private. That when people asked about it back then, I just hinted about female issues so that the inquiry wouldn't go further. That the only people I told were my sister, brother in law and my best friend. That I had no choice about disclosing to HR since they'd be receiving my disability paperwork from my doctor. She wrote that she values confidentiality and that she would never ask HR why I someone was on leave. I told her that perhaps people suspected since I had lost so much and there was gossip. Maybe hearing that gossip, she assumed it was common knowledge? I have no idea how she found out but I'm sooooooo pissed off! Not to mention, bringing it up with this other woman present... She is the biggest gossip in the office and doesn't care for me. When I went into rehab in 2016, she was the one who everyone heard it from. So I'm outed, period. Confidentiality shattered. I feel like I was punched in the stomach. I asked my boss to speak with her and to please tell her to keep it to the 3 of us. I know this chick will not abide by that but I know my supervisor knows she's in deep if I hear from someone else that they heard it from one of them. I'd probably have grounds for a lawsuit. My boss is an attorney so she knows that this is big. She admitted that even if she thought I'd told her, she should have never assumed that I'd told everyone and mentioned it in the meeting with someone else there. Her last reply was that she must have deduced it since I went out for surgery, lost over 100 pounds and then I was open about my "skin surgery" (an insulting way to phrase it, all I ever called it was BODY CONTOURING surgery) a year later. She said she knows that many people have that done after bypass. So I'm being punished for her assumptions, correct or not.

Now I feel deceitful having had accepted compliments from people about the loss and not disclosing I'd had surgery. The diet plan that I told them I was following was what I was following, and I know that I still earned all the recognition I received for my hard work, but as many of you know, there are people who do not see it that way, will think it was easy for me and I could be perceived as a liar. No matter what, a lot of people are now going to have an opinion. I worked so hard on keeping this private... It was my decision and she stole that from me, a year and a half later.

I know that I can't let others' opinions matter but I am struggling to make my peace with this.

Thanks for listening guys.

I am new and just read this. I have surgery in literally a few hours. Besides my medical team, only me, my partner and my hairdresser know I am having surgery today. I have 3 grown children in 3 different states and a slew of family and friends who all love me and whom I love. BUT.. My weight has seemed to be everyone's business for my entire life and I have chosen to make it only mine. I didn't even tell the other 2 people that now know until I was well into my program and have hopefully made clear to them how important it is to maintain my privacy. I know Covid19 will someday be behind us and I will see everyone again and that they will for sure notice my leaner body (have already lost 40 lbs and can walk 2 miles a day) but I will honestly tell them that I lost weight from hard work. Which anyone who has been through this can attest to, I will NOT be lying.

 

[Brenda2010]

I am new and just read this. I have surgery in literally a few hours. Besides my medical team, only me, my partner and my hairdresser know I am having surgery today. I have 3 grown children in 3 different states and a slew of family and friends who all love me and whom I love. BUT.. My weight has seemed to be everyone's business for my entire life and I have chosen to make it only mine. I didn't even tell the other 2 people that now know until I was well into my program and have hopefully made clear to them how important it is to maintain my privacy. I know Covid19 will someday be behind us and I will see everyone again and that they will for sure notice my leaner body (have already lost 40 lbs and can walk 2 miles a day) but I will honestly tell them that I lost weight from hard work. Which anyone who has been through this can attest to, I will NOT be lying.

Good luck today!