I have the most obnoxious, ignorant family. But they all enable each other & so they stay tight-knit and enjoy their obesity. They are absolutely toxic to me, which is why I never told any of them I was going to have surgery 12 years ago. They would have done anything they could to make me feel bad about that because MY success threatens their peaceful little world of denial. I cut off contact with most of them after we finished probate issues & the house sale. I'm sure they don't miss me or give a damn what happens to me and actually, I feel the same way about them. Cutting off can be unhealthy, but in my case, it was a lifesaver.
I see a mental health specialist but she mostly helps me manage my daily tasks, like brushing my teeth or paying a bill. She doesn't offer me therapy and honestly, I already have 45 years of talking/listening therapy under my belt, plus a library of self-help books I've consumed. Unfortunately, the damage from my family is deeper than any of that and trying to get over everything is a struggle. It's like trying to throw a hat on a firehose.
Still, I have hope and motivation, and I still have this healthy body and pure joy about eating the food I cook or buy.
I have been having a lot of trouble disconnecting from my mother's voice and her accusations, opinions and chronic abuse. She's been dead for 3 or 4 years now, but she can still get to me. And lately I've really struggled with how much I hate her. It's not fun, but she was a monster. So I obsessively think of her & remember her every minute of every day. That's bad for me because I'm getting more & more angry about it. I know the only cure for this enmeshment is to focus on myself and the thousands of other things I experience, including the bad ones, like the world famine that is destined to happen as the earth dies.
After talking with my case manager about this, she suggested grounding exercises, which I'd never heard of. The goal is to focus on my life and the reality of it. Using my five senses, I look around and connect with objects that are real. Like, I see my bookshelves and say, There are my bookshelves. This is me using sight to ground myself in reality. I repeat this, using my eyes, five or six times. Then I use my hearing sense to notice the traffic noise outside my window, or birds calling or water running. I move through all my senses including touch (how does that velvet jacket feel when I put it on the hanger), smell (I can still smell the fantastic curry I made for dinner last night) and taste (my delicious morning cup of coffee).
When I've done this enough times, I become grounded in reality and Mom goes away. At the same time, I sense an appreciation for what I have and what I've accomplished or experienced with my five senses. I feel totally grounded in reality and it feels really good.
If you've never done this and are troubled by obsessive failure messages, you might want to give it a try. Only so many people can fit in a lifeboat, escaping a sinking ship. In my disaster of a life, my mom doesn't get to be in the boat anymore. She's going down like the Titanic and I'm on my way to salvation. It helps.
