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How do we deal with people that don’t agree

My husband was very supportive but I was scared to tell my parents because I have a cousin who nearly died years ago from an botched RNY and I knew they wouldn’t be happy with my choice. I waited until only about a month out and I just told them I had made the decision and I had done all the research and I was happy with my choice. They were scared for me but ended up being very supportive...so you never know. Just be direct and matter of fact, he doesn’t get a vote.
 
Take the power back. YOU have the power not him. Try not to give him so much of your essence. No one can MAKE us feel a certain way - we do that to ourselves. Walk around with headphones on to drown him out! hahahah. Or try to find a common ground. Usually people react strongly when they are hurt or feeling self conscious. I am not saying you have to take responsibility for how he feels, but you can control how you feel and how you feed into it. I hope this helps!
 
dianeseattle said:
Hey Deirdre, I have some advice for you.

Take the high road.

Obviously you have a great need and you have made a brave choice and you are going to succeed. You have everything going for you.

Compared to you, your husband has nothing. And you're going on a journey he cannot take. In a very real sense you're leaving him behind and he may see this as a value judgment about him, like he's not good enough.

If he doesn't abuse you physically and mentally, I would try to appeal to his better nature. If he were my husband I would say "Listen, I understand that you can't support me. And I accept that. So I'm not going to act out or hate you or try to make you feel guilty. I am going to have the surgery but I'm going to find support elsewhere because I respect your decision not to support me, even if I don't understand it."

If he is abusing you, then I would not take that tack. Leave as quickly as possible and don't look back. But if he's just being a dick, remember that there's a part of him that is good. It might even be a big part of him. But you are only looking at this from the point of view of your pain. You have to think of his pain in order to find a peaceful compromise.

I'm not an alcoholic, but I have studied the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is full of stories that will edify you. I don't have it with me right now because all of my stuff is still in storage. But there is a part of it near the back where alcoholics tell their stories and explain how they cope with conflict and one story just knocked me out.

This particular alcoholic said that what he does every day is he prays for everyone who has hurt him. He prays that they have the best in life. He prays for them to be blessed. He praise that that he can forgive them. He prays for strength but knows that he already has it. So instead of praying for himself he prays for those who would hurt him.

This is not an original concept but it is one that we all need to practice from time to time. And a blessing of wishing the best for someone else is that if they have the best, they have no need to hurt you out of jealousy anymore. It's a win-win.
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I must say that you brought me back to reality with your response. I haven’t even told him about my decision to have the surgery because any time I open my mouth to attempt to tell him, he yells at me for no reason or he finds a way to make the focus on him. I’m not going to compete with him anymore. I’m going to finally let go and let God. Right now I just want to have the surgery and be about me. Not really going to discuss my decision with anyone anymore. I’m going into selfish attitude and get back to where I was some what happy. He’s now trying to be nice to me but I refuse to believe him anymore about anything. I’m tired of being on an emotional roller coaster in this relationship. I’ll be happy when I can go file for divorce
 
Bdeirdra said:
I must say that you brought me back to reality with your response. I haven’t even told him about my decision to have the surgery because any time I open my mouth to attempt to tell him, he yells at me for no reason or he finds a way to make the focus on him. I’m not going to compete with him anymore. I’m going to finally let go and let God. Right now I just want to have the surgery and be about me. Not really going to discuss my decision with anyone anymore. I’m going into selfish attitude and get back to where I was some what happy. He’s now trying to be nice to me but I refuse to believe him anymore about anything. I’m tired of being on an emotional roller coaster in this relationship. I’ll be happy when I can go file for divorce
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I'm proud of you! Have your surgery and know that it is empowering, and you deserve the best!
 
Ms Bdeirdra, we don't have this surgery for our spouses, or parents or children. This is something we do for ourselves. Whether the reason is to look good, or improve our health, or a little of both, it's not going to have any lasting effect on those around us. I am so sorry to hear you are not getting the support you need and deserve from the one person in the world that should always be in your corner. Good Lord, let's take that man out behind the woodshed (as my grandmother was fond of saying). If this is truly what you have made your mind up to do and you have researched all the different procedures and the pros and cons to each and if you have mentally prepared yourself for a different mindset and way of thinking to go with your new body, then by Gosh, you need to go for it, with or without him. I had a RYGB surgery the beginning of June and so far, I don't regret a second of it. I had great support from my spouse but I would have made it through without the support. Maybe along with a new body, you might just need a new man. Here for you girl!
 
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