Welcome, Christine. You're safe here & we're going to help you.
What kind of surgery did you have that still allows you to eat large amounts of food? First thing, figure that out, and let your surgeon in on the latest developments. DO THIS FIRST. Your problem may be organic and your health may be at risk.
It seems impossible that you would have been able to consume so much solid food right after surgery. Tut here's the kicker: why aren't you on a liquid diet right now? There's a strong whiff of self-sabotage here, and an obvious relationship to the death of your twin. You are not getting the therapy you need. You should be taking in at least 3 grief groups every week and reading every book about grief you can lay your hands on.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's groundbreaking analysis, "On Death and Dying" is a must have. It's a little hard to read, though, so you might want to find a breakdown of it on the Internet. Find someone's college paper or a book review or one of those book sites where people share their faves. Also, i know there are MANY online grief groups. Do a Yahoo search to find some.
And go here:
SURVIVE -- TABLE OF CONTENTS where you can read one of my favorite grief tools. I literally had to get a dishtowel out as I read it, so I'd have something big enough to contain my tears.
You should specifically be involved with therapeutic groups that address only suicide. And if you need to talk to someone about it without going public, look online for the phone number of your most convenient WarmLine. They are all over America and exist to listen to you. They don't do crisis intervention--that's the Crisis Line or Hot Line--but you can talk and talk and talk, to many different people.
If you feel in crisis, as well, which is common after losing such a close loved one, call the medical professionals before taking action.
As an amateur healer I'd say that right now, you are trying to parallel your twin's life. You are going to kill yourself with food, against all the doctor's and nutritionist's counsel.
Your family should be able to see what's happening to you. Bring them all in to you and tell them what's going on.
Cooking is not to blame. Eating is. No one is supposed to be eating solid food this soon after surgery. Have you followed up with your doc? Are you being honest? Is no one aware that you had this surgery and yet you're chowing down on the same old food, probably exhibiting the same behaviors?
You've had the surgery but now you need to ask yourself if you really wanted it. It's obviously too far out to change your mind, but there are medical interventions.
i'm guessing you had the sleeve. The cravings don't always go away after sleeve gastrectomy. Because you are putting your life in danger, perhaps you should see your surgeon about an immediate revision.
Your eating disorder is running your life, even though you took steps to lose weight. That's not enough. The surgery is only a tool and in your case, you're swinging a sledge hammer when you should be using tweezers, It's only a tool and it's not going to cure you. The only way to be cured is to follow the eating plan laid out for you and spend a lot of time in therapeutic groups, and as much time as possible moving your body.
I'm not going to say more because I see you as a person who is in urgent need of medical intervention. I've only read about one other person who was able to stuff food down into her pouch the day after surgery. It's a phenomenon I cannot explain.
Give up your stranglehold of control to medical experts. Then work on yourself to obey them. This is a deal you can't go back on. This is a contract you cannot break. Surrender all and admit that you are incapable of driving this bus. And don't go it alone. Accept help everywhere.
Don't leave us now. Report back to us about what doctors say and how you're feeling. Keep a journal of your deepest thoughts, and keep a food diary right next to your kitchen scale and measuring cups & spoons. Drink lots of water.
