Marriage after the sleeve

[AmberS.]

So, I've debated about this topic on my mind.. and I finally decided to write it. Bare with me, this post may be long & I may rumble. I'm not sure that the few people I've discussed this topic with, understand me because they haven't had surgery. With that being said, here I go.. before surgery I weighed 340 lbs. I was a big girl. When I decided to do this journey, my husband was very supportive. He was supportive from the first time we spoke about it until after surgery and I was 8 months post op. I am currently 10 months post op. I've lost 127 lbs since my surgery. My husband and I have been married 3 years, together 5 years. When we were teenagers we dated, I weighed a little more then I currently do (important to know that). Since post op month 8 to now, he is different with me. I've lost around 20 lbs during that time frame. When I was bigger and to recently, he would occasionally smack my ass while I was cooking dinner, randomly kiss me.. etc. He's stopped doing it. I called him out on it, he told me I am reading too much into it and that nothing is different. I didn't buy that, obviously. I remember before surgery, when we had our first talk about the surgery how I broke down and told him I didn't want us to end up being a statistic of marriages that end in divorce because I loose weight. I've heard of it happening, I know someone it's happened to! And he swore up and down, promised me that nothing would ever change with us. That he loves me no matter my size. Well... I feel like he doesn't love me as much as a size xl, that he did as a 5x. I saw my best friend for the first time in 6 months last week, who stated "your so tiny!" So of course I had to tell hubby, and I told him she was like "omg your so tiny... you weren't this tiny in high school!"... his response "you weren't this small when we were together the first time". I feel like that comment answers alot! I tried my prom dress on... yep, too small!! So I know I am smaller then the first time we were together. My question is, is this a normal response from a spouse? When I bring it up, he doesn't want to talk about it. He just says nothing is different and to stop making shit up in my head. Lol! Since I've called him out, he's been a little better. I came straight out and told him that I'm not gonna stop my progress and stay where I am. I have a goal, and I am going to accomplish it. I don't know if my new found confidence is to much? I admit, I am not that girl I was 10 months ago. I've transformed into this new person, I didn't realize that with surgery and the accomplishments I've achieved that I would change and be so more confident.
Now that I've rambled... what do you think? Anyone else have this kind if reaction from a spouse? Am I over thinking it? I've included pictures to show my progress. The picture in black was taken in May! I'm not great at pics.

 

[LDM]

Amber, first let me congratulate you on your amazing success!! You have come such a long way and you look wonderful!! You have so much to be proud of. I don't know you or hubby but I have heard of this type of behavior with others I have known. Since he looks like a fairly slender guy, he probably has enjoyed being who everyone looked at then you were out together. He probably basked in the idea that you were grateful to be on his arm. Now you have changed yourself and you have transformed into someone who is not ashamed of their size. Someone who has clothing options they never had before at 5x. Someone who just might catch the eye of others, so now his confidence has been shaken. He might not be your only option (maybe he never was), but I bet you were grateful for his attention. It is called jealously and insecurity. You made this decision for yourself and you look so happy in your pictures. Please don't give up your journey and continue to get healthier, just for you. Show him you still love him, at whatever size your are, and he will either accept it and your love will grow fuller and deeper, or he will continue to pout and you will discover his true heart. Good luck to you. I hope the two of you work this out and continue on your journey together.

 

[3momchaos]

You look fantastic! I’ve read a lot about how WLS can stress relationships. I am still preop, so I cannot speak from personal experience. What I can say is that respect between couples, no matter the situation between them, is a big matter. You have to respect yourself, and if you both want to make everything work, he’ll respect the changes for your health. Remind him he’s still appreciated and wanted, if he wants you also. This is a time of inner growth, and that can intimidate our partners-even friends and other family members. I’m not trying to imply he’s jealous, but people who are part of our support systems don’t really know the extent that we change, not just on the outside but the inside as well. If we don’t make mental and emotional changes then this process can fail. Y’all can work it out if there’s communication-as long as you’re both willing You’re gorgeous, and he’s lucky to have you.

 

[missyinacage]

I am only 3 weeks out of surgery myself so cannot offer any personal insight, yet. Although with all the divorce stories you hear, I think it is a concern for everyone who has WLS. I have been married (mostly happily lol) for 12 years and we've been together for 18. Even in marriage, you are still both unique individuals. So when one person has a period of personal growth, it takes the other partner time to adjust. He's probably watching you changing and improving, and wondering where does that leave him? I have to say that I doubt it is as simple as him not liking your new body. Especially since he's been seemingly fine for 8 of the 10 months. You have said you are changing as a person; it's not just your body. He has to grow and adapt to that as well. Change is sometimes hard to accept when you were happy with the way things were. Not only is there going to be a "new you" but when you're married there's a "new US" .. a "new" that only one of you really decided on. As long as your both willing to put in the work to make the "new US" as successful as the "new YOU", it'll all work out. Best of luck and congrats on your success. You are doing fabulous!

 

[The BLJ]

Hi Amber - I am 5 months post op from my sleeve. I lost 40 pounds prior to surgery and I am now down 98 pounds. I see and feel my husband is feeling insecure. We have been together 29 years and married 23. I just tell him being rude or disrespectful will not be tolerated. I am with him and love him no matter what my size. I am still the same chick just a little less of me. You just keep reminding him that you are his girl no matter your size.

 

[eladams2015]

My first marriage ended after my original surgery... he cheated with and married someone who was and is extremely obese. There was much more than my weight loss that was the demise of that marriage... that is a story for another day, LOL.

 

[The BLJ]

We will wait for that story Lol!

 

[AmberS.]

Thank you so much everyone for the responses. ♡♡♡♡ much love to you all!!! I am finding that I keep thinking negatively when he does say something to me, when he intends it as a positive! (I showed him a new shirt & his response was "that's not gonna fit" which I took as I'm too big, and I called him out on it and he was like "stop being negative, I meant its gonna be too big on you." Oops!) We are working on our communication and I think we will succeed. You all had great responses. I'm so thankful to be part of this group! I guess I didn't think about the changes for him that he will experience, with my weight loss.