How do you guys deal with Nay-sayers? My mom, who lives with me, is not very supportive. In fact, she's pretty darn negative about this whole thing. She feels she needs to share her eye rolls and tongue clicks and reasons why she thinks it will be "too much" i.e. giving up too much. She can mostly eat whatever she wants and does - she doesn't like healthy food and when we're trying to plan a community meal it's extremely difficult to find something that's both healthy and something she will eat. She's extremely picky and we end up with not so good for you foods that taste delicious and then it derails me and my motivation and positive self thoughts tank and I feel like donkey and I let it completely derail any progress. I know that last bit is my bad but I'm going to have to find a way to deal with her negativity and turn it into positive thoughts. I need to re-wire my brain to work FOR me instead of AGAINST me and her attitude is a huge obstacle. And before you ask, no, I can't talk to her about it. She will get butt hurt and cry and not change anyway (years of experience speaking here), so I have to find a way to figure it out on my own. But what have been your experiences and how have you managed them?
Nay-sayers
- Thread starter growswild
- Start date
3momchaos
Member
My nay-sayers were not vocal, but quite the opposite. They remained silent before my surgery. I had far more positive feedback from people. But in the end, it only mattered what I knew I was capable of. It’s not easy. You will have to give things up. If your mom cannot understand that you need this to take control of your health, maybe you need to have her see a counselor with you. Have you invited her to be a part of your appointments? Tell her she cannot judge what she doesn’t know or understand.
By "community meals" I'm thinking you are talking about family get togethers where everyone can bring something to eat.
2 things to keep in mind. #1: you may find your tastebuds have changed, and things that appealed to you prior to WLS may turn you off. This happened to me with most carbs, i.e. breads, mac & cheese, noodles, most starches and sweets. I think I brainwashed myself into finding most of the above to be repulsive, but so far, so good.
#2: if possible, bring a side dish or two that fit into your new healthy eating lifestyle. You might drink a protein shake or eat a high protein snack a few hours before the meal, and when mealtime happens, just try a spoonful of 1 or 2 not so healthy foods along with your tasty, healthy dishes. Who knows, you may make a convert or two to your new healthy living.
If the conversation steers toward your WLS in a negative way, try emphasizing your new healthier way of eating & exercise/movement that can be done by anyone, regardless if they are having surgery or not. If it falls on deaf ears, so be it. This is your journey, and you have lots of nonjudgmental people here to vent to whenever you feel the need.
2 things to keep in mind. #1: you may find your tastebuds have changed, and things that appealed to you prior to WLS may turn you off. This happened to me with most carbs, i.e. breads, mac & cheese, noodles, most starches and sweets. I think I brainwashed myself into finding most of the above to be repulsive, but so far, so good.
#2: if possible, bring a side dish or two that fit into your new healthy eating lifestyle. You might drink a protein shake or eat a high protein snack a few hours before the meal, and when mealtime happens, just try a spoonful of 1 or 2 not so healthy foods along with your tasty, healthy dishes. Who knows, you may make a convert or two to your new healthy living.
If the conversation steers toward your WLS in a negative way, try emphasizing your new healthier way of eating & exercise/movement that can be done by anyone, regardless if they are having surgery or not. If it falls on deaf ears, so be it. This is your journey, and you have lots of nonjudgmental people here to vent to whenever you feel the need.
I'm still in the beginning stages, just did the orientation. I haven't had any therapy appts yet. But that is an excellent suggestion. I did ask her to watch the orientation with me so she'll understand what the process is and how I'll need her support. She said she would do that. So that's not nothing.
She lives with me and on Saturdays we have a family meal that we prepare at home. I can choose a healthy meal but she typically won't help me make it and most of the time, doesn't like/won't eat it, which of course makes me feel bad - but that part is all in my head. If it were a potluck type thing, that's definitely a good idea and I will do that for future events of that type. Thank you!!
Lorelai
Member
You could try asking her to simply be happy for you taking charge of your life and wanting to be healthier so you live longer, perhaps? Remind her that you've tried her way of going about your meals and that's what's lead you to where you are now.
What a lot of people don't seem to understand is that food is an addiction. It may not be as socially accepted as an addiction like drugs and alcohol are but it IS, at the end of the day, more than just a choice to eat poorly. It's hard to say no to another slice of pizza. To the super sweet creamer. To a "little" dessert. To the regular soda. To the extra helping of mac. And for a lot of people who get this surgery, it's hard to stop thinking about your next meal. Heck, I even have scrolling food images as my phone lock screen.
Just remind her that this surgery isn't a magic spell. It is a tool that you WANT and have deemed necessary so you can lose weight and become a healthier, happier person.
What a lot of people don't seem to understand is that food is an addiction. It may not be as socially accepted as an addiction like drugs and alcohol are but it IS, at the end of the day, more than just a choice to eat poorly. It's hard to say no to another slice of pizza. To the super sweet creamer. To a "little" dessert. To the regular soda. To the extra helping of mac. And for a lot of people who get this surgery, it's hard to stop thinking about your next meal. Heck, I even have scrolling food images as my phone lock screen.
Just remind her that this surgery isn't a magic spell. It is a tool that you WANT and have deemed necessary so you can lose weight and become a healthier, happier person.
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PREACH. Thank you.
Kathi_S
Member
The only person's behavior you have control over is your own. I agree that if your mom is educated about the surgery, she is more likely to be more understanding, but there are no guarantees. My husband did this for me, and he has been my biggest supporter.
On the other hand, my two adult daughters, who both gave me their full support prior to the surgery, made no effort at all to learn more about the process. One of my daughters has not spoken to me since two weeks postop, the other barely speaks to me at all, and when she does she is usually yelling at me.
All I can do is wait for the displaced anger or whatever it is to wear off. I cannot control it. It infuriates my husband. He watches how they treat me and I will not let him interfere. I don't want to make it worse. It's just all very sad. I've done everything I can on my end to mend our relationships. It will take time.
On the other hand, my two adult daughters, who both gave me their full support prior to the surgery, made no effort at all to learn more about the process. One of my daughters has not spoken to me since two weeks postop, the other barely speaks to me at all, and when she does she is usually yelling at me.
All I can do is wait for the displaced anger or whatever it is to wear off. I cannot control it. It infuriates my husband. He watches how they treat me and I will not let him interfere. I don't want to make it worse. It's just all very sad. I've done everything I can on my end to mend our relationships. It will take time.
I am so sorry about your daughters. From an outsider's perspective, it seems like there must be more going on than your life changes. But what do I know? I hope things get better for you all. She drives me crazy but I can't imagine being so angry that I wouldn't speak to my mother - I also can't imagine my daughter not speaking to me. I feel for you.
Kathi_S
Member
It is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. They view my having surgery as selfish. I've lost weight before on my own, and they believe I could have done it again on my own. I had to miss a dinner at my daughter's home two weeks postop because I was just advanced to soft foods and food got stuck in my esophagus because of postoperative swelling. My daughter did not believe me. I had an upper GI with barium so I had could have given her proof, but she refused to speak to me. My other daughter didn't believe me either at first, but after talking to my husband eventually came around, but was still angry. The anger is about the surgery. If I hadn't had the surgery, I would not have missed the dinner.
I know it makes no sense. They are angry. I'm choosing to let them be angry and continue to show them love at every opportunity I can until we work things out. Hopefully, some day soon they will let go of the anger. We used to be so close. I am hoping to spend Christmas with both of them. I love them so very much and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. I miss them more than they could imagine.
I know it makes no sense. They are angry. I'm choosing to let them be angry and continue to show them love at every opportunity I can until we work things out. Hopefully, some day soon they will let go of the anger. We used to be so close. I am hoping to spend Christmas with both of them. I love them so very much and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. I miss them more than they could imagine.
3momchaos
Member
I’m really sorry that they’re being selfish. I can’t see the situation any other way than that.
NewChallenge
Member
I have the same mother LOL I do not have to live with mine but I have to work with her. We have other family members who have had the surgery who she is so proud of and how great they did and do. But, I do nothing right not as good as "Bob".
I am doing this for me and I don't care. I do not talk about any of this to her but if she asks I answer. Only the question nothing more. I eat what I want I kind of now will not eat things I can eat just out of me having the power (yes I know that just sounding like a baby) But this works for me. I will just say that makes me sick even if it does not.
This will be my first Thanksgiving after having surgery. My husband and I are going on a 4 day vacation (only 4 hours from home) I would like to just make this a thing we do each year. My mother is not happy and telling me how mean this is. Well I have to do this for me. just to make her happy I said I can't come I am too weak and can't be around the food. I got a I told you so. So now she is happy to have the power and be right.
I will take that to have a good 4 days
You will have to find a way to make this work for your family. I hope like me you and just play games that will make it work for you.
Sorry you have to deal with this. Go and prove to all that you can do this and how it is the right thing to do.
Sending you some virtual hugs. I'm sorry this is your reality. But here's to hoping they come around and you can have Christmas with them. xo
Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry! I don't understand why our mothers can't just be happy for us, that we're finally taking control of our health. Keep doing you, mama. If that's what works for you, I'm so glad! Hopefully our mothers will come around!
3momchaos
Member
My mom just admitted (like 3 days ago) that she was against me having the surgery, but wasn’t going to say anything because she knew that I was going to do it with or without her support, and it would be better for me to have her support. I was very thankful that she didn’t speak out against it before my surgery. It wouldn’t have changed my mind, but it would have bothered me.
I was fortunate enough that before surgery that I basically divorced my mother and sister, but not because of weight but because of several reasons that built up over the prior 10 years. Interference in my past engagement that failed, constant negative attitudes, comments about my then current foreign fiancé, not returning phone calls or even calling unless I could get them on the phone by some miracle the anxiety I would have going to see them and finally the breaking point of lack of respect for my time when it came to Christmas. It has been going on for the last 15 years where I would have to miss Christmas because my sister has kids and would always wait for her husbands sister to set a date for their Christmas and would procrastinate setting so we could set ours. My brother and I would frequently miss because we could then not get the time off or we would set a date for a quick get together and it didn't really feel much of a Christmas. Nearly 5 years ago now she gave me a 14 day notice for the date for Christmas and I told her I wouldn't be there and that I needed to know about two months prior as I now have no fill in at work. This is not unusual but it's like talking to a wall. Well Christmas comes and I call my mother on Christmas day to wish her a Merry Christmas. Instead of a nice conversation I take an 30min long ass chewing for not showing up and false accusations of me talking crap how she said I heard I was talking bad about the family on social media (This was a shock to me.).
I had cut a few friends out of my life after my previous failed relationship. I had decided then I was getting rid of all the toxic people in my life and focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel as each day got brighter and brighter. I had previously searched on google about cutting off my family and there were frequently a 10 bullet checklist where one was best off separating from their family. I was not yet there but really close if not already. I was either preparing to go visit my now wife in the Philippines about 3 months later or I had proposed earlier that year (not sure which) and my mother had made some comments about my wife's faith (my wife is Catholic as virtually all Filipinas are vs my mother being Pentecostal in the past). The argument was the final straw for me. I was not going to deal with "mail order bride stigma" from my own damn family and the continuing lack of respect of my pessimistic family and was not going to expose my future wife to their attitude. I simply said firmly, "You know what, I simply called to wish you a Merry Christmas, not argue with you. I'm done with you and this family. Please do not contact me again." I immediately temporarily blocked her phone# and email for a couple months before I unblocked them. The following Christmas my sister texted me about coming to Christmas 10 days before Christmas to which I responded, "I have absolutely no interest in celebrating Christmas with you." I just got back a "Well then" and that was it.
Nothing until my father (divorced) passed away from Alzheimer's last October and my sister called and I simply talked to her like I was getting information from the funeral director. I went back east (everyone is 279miles away from me back in Sioux Falls) and we managed to have a visitation and while I was cordial and I had my wife with me, we all sort of avoided each other and nothing was said about me cutting out family.
I know there is something to be said for cutting your own mother out of your life but the reality is I let boundaries be crossed far to often as I was struggling with my own life looking for their approval. I had no choice but to lay it down hard as I was not going to expose my wife to their toxic behavior and I was not going to put up with it anymore. I left the ball in their court as I'm prepared to reconcile with boundaries if I get an apology which I have never gotten. I simply got a text from my mother how much she missed me last spring and hoped I would stop in next time I'm in town. I responded that we may. I have yet to be back.
Point is you got to have a pillar of support so to speak, a spouse or other loved one, friends that are positive attitude people. Those are the people to spend time with and share positive behavior and ideas with. Then shed the crabs off. A friend once explained to me the crab mentality of people and I remembered it and associated it with business, but not so much with every day life. Some people simply cannot be positive people and have to tear other people down around them to feel better about themselves. In the process they pull you down and destroy you, not just hold you back from your full potential.
You may not be in the stage or position I was when I parted ways with my family members but I would highly encourage you to identify those toxic people in your life and stop taking their sh@t and stand up for yourself. Establish boundaries and if they cant adhere to them, set them off to the side. Life has been so much better for me since I did this and my wife and I have the attitude of "Us Vs. the world". Look up, forward and toward the bright light your future holds and stop looking behind you. Good luck.
I had cut a few friends out of my life after my previous failed relationship. I had decided then I was getting rid of all the toxic people in my life and focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel as each day got brighter and brighter. I had previously searched on google about cutting off my family and there were frequently a 10 bullet checklist where one was best off separating from their family. I was not yet there but really close if not already. I was either preparing to go visit my now wife in the Philippines about 3 months later or I had proposed earlier that year (not sure which) and my mother had made some comments about my wife's faith (my wife is Catholic as virtually all Filipinas are vs my mother being Pentecostal in the past). The argument was the final straw for me. I was not going to deal with "mail order bride stigma" from my own damn family and the continuing lack of respect of my pessimistic family and was not going to expose my future wife to their attitude. I simply said firmly, "You know what, I simply called to wish you a Merry Christmas, not argue with you. I'm done with you and this family. Please do not contact me again." I immediately temporarily blocked her phone# and email for a couple months before I unblocked them. The following Christmas my sister texted me about coming to Christmas 10 days before Christmas to which I responded, "I have absolutely no interest in celebrating Christmas with you." I just got back a "Well then" and that was it.
Nothing until my father (divorced) passed away from Alzheimer's last October and my sister called and I simply talked to her like I was getting information from the funeral director. I went back east (everyone is 279miles away from me back in Sioux Falls) and we managed to have a visitation and while I was cordial and I had my wife with me, we all sort of avoided each other and nothing was said about me cutting out family.
I know there is something to be said for cutting your own mother out of your life but the reality is I let boundaries be crossed far to often as I was struggling with my own life looking for their approval. I had no choice but to lay it down hard as I was not going to expose my wife to their toxic behavior and I was not going to put up with it anymore. I left the ball in their court as I'm prepared to reconcile with boundaries if I get an apology which I have never gotten. I simply got a text from my mother how much she missed me last spring and hoped I would stop in next time I'm in town. I responded that we may. I have yet to be back.
Point is you got to have a pillar of support so to speak, a spouse or other loved one, friends that are positive attitude people. Those are the people to spend time with and share positive behavior and ideas with. Then shed the crabs off. A friend once explained to me the crab mentality of people and I remembered it and associated it with business, but not so much with every day life. Some people simply cannot be positive people and have to tear other people down around them to feel better about themselves. In the process they pull you down and destroy you, not just hold you back from your full potential.
You may not be in the stage or position I was when I parted ways with my family members but I would highly encourage you to identify those toxic people in your life and stop taking their sh@t and stand up for yourself. Establish boundaries and if they cant adhere to them, set them off to the side. Life has been so much better for me since I did this and my wife and I have the attitude of "Us Vs. the world". Look up, forward and toward the bright light your future holds and stop looking behind you. Good luck.
This was such a powerful way of describing separating from the toxic attitudes of your loved ones. It sounds like your mother finally is making a tiny bit of an effort to reach out to you. Whether any future contact happens or not, at least maybe she realizes what she's missing out on not having you and your loving wife in her life.
I'm so glad you have a strong, happy relationship to sustain you. Thank you for sharing your journey toward the light.
I'm so glad you have a strong, happy relationship to sustain you. Thank you for sharing your journey toward the light.
I am so very sorry this has been your experience with your family. I have come to understand my mom is who she is and she's not likely to change. So I choose my battles. That said, I did lay down some boundaries the other day - I was leaving for work and she again spoke of her concern and I told her that I understand her concern, that I have concerns of my own and that's why we go through this process. But I also told her that I need her support. "You live with me, and I need you to support me". I didn't get angry, I just matter of factly said, this is what I need. Then I told her I loved her and left for work. The next day, we had a really productive conversation about what all these changes are going to look like for the family. I think that maybe, my acknowledgement of her concern and my vocalizing what I need from her, actually made the difference, and although she may not be 100% with me, I think she's on board. And that makes a huge difference.I was fortunate enough that before surgery that I basically divorced my mother and sister, but not because of weight but because of several reasons that built up over the prior 10 years. Interference in my past engagement that failed, constant negative attitudes, comments about my then current foreign fiancé, not returning phone calls or even calling unless I could get them on the phone by some miracle the anxiety I would have going to see them and finally the breaking point of lack of respect for my time when it came to Christmas. It has been going on for the last 15 years where I would have to miss Christmas because my sister has kids and would always wait for her husbands sister to set a date for their Christmas and would procrastinate setting so we could set ours. My brother and I would frequently miss because we could then not get the time off or we would set a date for a quick get together and it didn't really feel much of a Christmas. Nearly 5 years ago now she gave me a 14 day notice for the date for Christmas and I told her I wouldn't be there and that I needed to know about two months prior as I now have no fill in at work. This is not unusual but it's like talking to a wall. Well Christmas comes and I call my mother on Christmas day to wish her a Merry Christmas. Instead of a nice conversation I take an 30min long ass chewing for not showing up and false accusations of me talking crap how she said I heard I was talking bad about the family on social media (This was a shock to me.).
I had cut a few friends out of my life after my previous failed relationship. I had decided then I was getting rid of all the toxic people in my life and focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel as each day got brighter and brighter. I had previously searched on google about cutting off my family and there were frequently a 10 bullet checklist where one was best off separating from their family. I was not yet there but really close if not already. I was either preparing to go visit my now wife in the Philippines about 3 months later or I had proposed earlier that year (not sure which) and my mother had made some comments about my wife's faith (my wife is Catholic as virtually all Filipinas are vs my mother being Pentecostal in the past). The argument was the final straw for me. I was not going to deal with "mail order bride stigma" from my own damn family and the continuing lack of respect of my pessimistic family and was not going to expose my future wife to their attitude. I simply said firmly, "You know what, I simply called to wish you a Merry Christmas, not argue with you. I'm done with you and this family. Please do not contact me again." I immediately temporarily blocked her phone# and email for a couple months before I unblocked them. The following Christmas my sister texted me about coming to Christmas 10 days before Christmas to which I responded, "I have absolutely no interest in celebrating Christmas with you." I just got back a "Well then" and that was it.
Nothing until my father (divorced) passed away from Alzheimer's last October and my sister called and I simply talked to her like I was getting information from the funeral director. I went back east (everyone is 279miles away from me back in Sioux Falls) and we managed to have a visitation and while I was cordial and I had my wife with me, we all sort of avoided each other and nothing was said about me cutting out family.
I know there is something to be said for cutting your own mother out of your life but the reality is I let boundaries be crossed far to often as I was struggling with my own life looking for their approval. I had no choice but to lay it down hard as I was not going to expose my wife to their toxic behavior and I was not going to put up with it anymore. I left the ball in their court as I'm prepared to reconcile with boundaries if I get an apology which I have never gotten. I simply got a text from my mother how much she missed me last spring and hoped I would stop in next time I'm in town. I responded that we may. I have yet to be back.
Point is you got to have a pillar of support so to speak, a spouse or other loved one, friends that are positive attitude people. Those are the people to spend time with and share positive behavior and ideas with. Then shed the crabs off. A friend once explained to me the crab mentality of people and I remembered it and associated it with business, but not so much with every day life. Some people simply cannot be positive people and have to tear other people down around them to feel better about themselves. In the process they pull you down and destroy you, not just hold you back from your full potential.
You may not be in the stage or position I was when I parted ways with my family members but I would highly encourage you to identify those toxic people in your life and stop taking their sh@t and stand up for yourself. Establish boundaries and if they cant adhere to them, set them off to the side. Life has been so much better for me since I did this and my wife and I have the attitude of "Us Vs. the world". Look up, forward and toward the bright light your future holds and stop looking behind you. Good luck.
I hope you're able to sort things with your family. But I also applaud you for putting your needs first. So much of the time, we don't do that.