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This journey is kicking my behind!

missyinacage

missyinacage

Member
Okay. To preface this: I feel great. I am happy I did this for myself. There have been many benefits I expected and several I didn't. I am grateful. I am. But I am also struggling right now. Aside from a ridiculous amount of hair loss (which I knew was coming and should just stop being a baby about) I am feeling totally lost as a human being. Like, I KNOW that who I am is more than what I look like. I know that. But I look in the mirror and THAT ISN'T ME. I scratch my back and I can feel vertebrae. Those aren't mine. Well, they might be, but I've never met them before. I went to go buy a new pair of pants and another set of underwear and the brands I've worn for 20 years don't make my size anymore. And I know these examples might seem like superficial BS but at 50, I have had YEARS of certainties and consistencies that are now .. gone. It's a whole new world. This should make me happy. Wasn't that the goal? A whole new me, right? Except, I liked old me. Sure, she was fat, but I knew where to buy her clothes, I knew what she looked and FELT like. It's just strange. I expected the struggle with food, both mental and physical; I expected the struggle with hair loss and loose skin. I wasn't expecting the struggle with self. I expected the opposite actually. I expected to look in the mirror and be like YEAH! And, really, I didn't Star Jones (where she looked better fat). That isn't the issue. It's just this discordance between what I've always known about myself versus what I am now. I guess I am just now realizing how much I defined myself by "fat".
 
I'm thinking many of us can relate. I know I sure do. I go through periods of time when I feel a little lost. Like you said, the amazing things that have happened since the surgery have me on cloud 9, but I am definitely rediscovering who I am.

This is complete speculation and just random thoughts on this, but I feel that some of these feelings are our brains trying to reconcile such a massive change. Regardless of how much weight you drop in a given time, there are significant changes to the hormonal signals and other chemicals in our bodies. I suspect that leads to a lot of mixed up messages. I think there are still elements of my mind that are doubtful I can keep the weight off. There are elements that think I've totally got this. My mind can be all over the place in the span of minutes sometimes. I'm confident in what I'm doing and how I'm doing it, but that doesn't mean there aren't conflicts, and I think this biological change we are in makes that even more confusing sometimes.

I also think that, at least for me, although I thought as I lost weight I'd sort of "remember" who I was when I was thinner and in shape, I'm finding that there is a bit of a battle of who I was, what I look like, how I feel, and where I'm going. It's all jumbled up. It's a lot to process.

I think the fact is, I'm not really moving toward who I was in the past, but I'm moving toward being a totally new person in the future. I think I viewed my weight loss as sort of a journey to who I used to be, and while that is true on the scale, it's probably not true in my mind. I think many of us are not only on a weight journey but a journey of rediscovery, and discovery can be mixed bag of information that we have to sort through.

When I look at it that way, as a journey of discovery, it helps me focus a little bit and step back from the whirlwind of thoughts and try to concentrate on learning. I ask myself these questions:
  • What am I learning from all of these thoughts and experiences and how can I apply that to my future goals?
  • How do I take everything from frustrations to celebrations and use that to continue doing the right thing and making good choices?
It's hard to make sense of it all sometimes, but I think there are powerful lessons to be learned as we sort through it all. It is not easy, by any stretch of the imagination. We all have a lot to learn about ourselves, our health, and our goals as we move forward.

Although difficult, I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have these issues! This strange journey, no matter how difficult, has improved my life is so many ways, so I accept that there will be some accompanying baggage, so to speak, and that's okay. I'll pick up that baggage and unpack it, learn from it, and move toward a much more complete and rewarding life.
 
missyinacage said:
Okay. To preface this: I feel great. I am happy I did this for myself. There have been many benefits I expected and several I didn't. I am grateful. I am. But I am also struggling right now. Aside from a ridiculous amount of hair loss (which I knew was coming and should just stop being a baby about) I am feeling totally lost as a human being. Like, I KNOW that who I am is more than what I look like. I know that. But I look in the mirror and THAT ISN'T ME. I scratch my back and I can feel vertebrae. Those aren't mine. Well, they might be, but I've never met them before. I went to go buy a new pair of pants and another set of underwear and the brands I've worn for 20 years don't make my size anymore. And I know these examples might seem like superficial BS but at 50, I have had YEARS of certainties and consistencies that are now .. gone. It's a whole new world. This should make me happy. Wasn't that the goal? A whole new me, right? Except, I liked old me. Sure, she was fat, but I knew where to buy her clothes, I knew what she looked and FELT like. It's just strange. I expected the struggle with food, both mental and physical; I expected the struggle with hair loss and loose skin. I wasn't expecting the struggle with self. I expected the opposite actually. I expected to look in the mirror and be like YEAH! And, really, I didn't Star Jones (where she looked better fat). That isn't the issue. It's just this discordance between what I've always known about myself versus what I am now. I guess I am just now realizing how much I defined myself by "fat".
Click to expand...

Missy -

I believe that most, if not all of us, can relate to your post. My husband - bless his heart - is confused at times too. He woke me up about 2 am one morning telling me I must have gotten hurt because there was a huge bump on my side. I'm trying to wake up and figure out what he's talking about. He put my hand on the bump - I said baby that's my hip bone. He said bullshit threw back the covers and turned on all the lights - he was totally shocked to see that it was just my hip bone. He looked at me funny and said are there any other bony parts you need to introduce me to - I'd hate to have to wake you up ever other day telling you have an injury.

It's a very unique adventure we're on. There are some very unusual experiences I've been through - I'm sure there is more to come - I'm actually looking forward to them. It's been very interesting rediscovering myself. I noticed you mentioned buy underwear. I've bought many different sizes over the last 8 months. I finally decided to try shopping at new places I'd never shopped for myself before - say a huge Hello and Welcome to - Victoria's Secret underwear! I LOVE VS underwear!

The mental "fat" thing we have needs to be replaced with the smaller, healthier, you. It can be done - but like this journey - it's a process. It's not a race - we all get there when we get there. Slow and steady is the best pace.

One thing that has helped me is that I've been writing about this journey since it began in July 2019. I write everything. How I feel when I get up in the mornings - any type of issue/s I'm having - feelings - thoughts - questions - truly anything that may pop into my head. I always read it at the end of the month to see where I started and where I ended up. I helps me.

I truly believe that what you're feeling will level out and possibly make sense to the new you. You got this!!
 
Thanks, guys. There were a quite a few things that really resonated. The hormone/chemical changes our bodies are going through never even occurred to me. And I really love the idea of keeping a journal and looking at it monthly. I wish I'd have started that immediately. You were both very smart to start keeping track of your journey. I'll have to figure better late than never and start now. And I literally laughed out loud (really LOUD) at the part where your husband woke you up to tell you about your hipbone, Tracey.
 
Hey I'm right there with you. Oddly, I like how I look in a mirror, but I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable with how I look like in a picture again. I have had to stop wearing some seriously identifiable "me" clothes, and there is no replacing them. The hair loss thing, damn I hate people go through that. As I currently do a buzz cut, any loss was undetectable. Make sure you are crazy loyal to your vitamins and supplements, thats about all you can do.
 
I can 100% relate! I would never go back and NOT do this journey, however, there is a LOT that is hard that I did not anticipate being hard. Most of it has to do with my internal dialogue how I see myself. For the most part, I am pleased with the results from this journey, but I am struggling a LOT with the excess skin right now. I feel like I did all this work, and I work harder to not see myself in the mirror after a shower now than I did when I was fat. I am disgusted by my body right now, and that is affecting a lot of aspects in my life.
 
Oh WOW! What a great and powerful thread! This is a perfect example of what this site is for, and the support we give each other!

I too struggle with my identity, with this NEW ME. For me, I have not gone back to an old me. I haven't been this weight since I was an early teen, so I have never known this kind of freedom. I also relate to the issues of clothing, mirrors, and photos. It took me 6 full months to finally acknowledge that I was wearing clothing that were 2 sizes too large. I finally donated $3k worth of wardrobe, everything from casual clothing to business suits, and finally broke down went clothes shopping. That was such a surreal experience. I was on autopilot and went straight to the Big and Tall section. I was amazed at how many more styles were available to me, and it took me hours to figure out what I liked! Of course, shopping during COVID meant I had a lot of trips back and forth to the store, finding the right fit and returning things that didn't fit.

Thanks to Missy for sharing your thoughts, and all who posted their thoughts and feelings!
 
I call my new me "mirror chick"! I look at her in the mirror and in pictures its a different person. She is more confident than I ever was. Still trying to connect with her. Does loving her mean hating old me? Nope! Learning how to dress her is fun. I love color now everything I wear has color versus black like it used to be. This new body surprises me with its endurance its ability to heal after surgery. Still getting to know her. I just love her.
 
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