5 year post rny and failing

[morgangirl74]

SW 534, lowest 330, CW 398. I've been putting on weight now for the last 2 years because I gave up. Once I realized that I could have carbs and drink alcohol with nothing but a colon clean out, I was done. My brain wants the comfort so badly that food and alcohol give me that I can't stop. I need to find a therapist or something because the depression is real. I'm in constant pain because of the damage that I've done to my body and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm depressed because I eat all the time, the only thing that helps with my leg pain is alcohol (I've tried everything, otc meds don't even touch it. Opiates dont even help). I put on more weight because of the food and alcohol and then I'm even more depressed. Advice to newbies...find a therapist, you will need them. So that's me...divorced mom of 2 and trying to live life. Every day I say that it will get better, but I just can't get there. In some ways Im very lucky. I have a man that loves me, 2 good kids, and a great job. But in my head I'm a menopausal, overthinking mess that has just given up.

 

[dianeseattle]

Morgan, you laid out your story perfectly. You know exactly what happened and why. And you know what you need to do. You didn't ask for advice here, but I have some I'd like to give.

Dearest Morgan,

First of all, stop acting. I mean this in two ways. First, you're faking it with everyone, including yourself. Second, you're acting by picking up your fork and spoon and stirring the skillet and pot. Stop it.

Relax. You're so conflicted, ashamed, obsessed and yet detached from your DISEASE, which is one or more forms of an eating disorder. This is a FATAL DISEASE. One by one your organs are going to get sick and fail. Fatty liver disease is terminal. Cardiac arrest is fatal. Diverticulitis is fatal, leading to sepsis and bowel perforation. Being cloaked in a layer of fat, plus globs of fat under the skin make surgeries difficult, if not impossible. If you also have high blood pressure, you're just a matter of time until you have a crippling or killing stroke.

Okay, I said "relax" and then I listed a bunch of scary stuff. But you need to relax first and become logical. I'm bossy, but YOU ARE THE BOSS. Why are you pretending to be helpless? It's YOUR body. It's YOUR life.

I've watched obese, dependent people in my family resign themselves to disease and spent the remainder of their short lives in bed, in and out of hospitals, one surgery after another, handfuls of pills that barely kept them alive. Your brain doesn't want alcohol. Your body does. Why? Because shame loves alcohol and alcohol is a perfect delivery system of self-loathing, stupidity and neglect. And it rots your brain.

Ordinarily I'd say something here about affirmations. But you need a doctor, a clinic, a trip to rehab. You need to face the truth.

I feel you. I love you. I want you to get well. You're a good person and SO brave for writing that post and reaching out. Let that cry for help lead you to professional intervention and care. You deserve that. Please make a call before it's too late. Obesity is not your problem. It's the symptom of your problem. Please turn the focus on you and keep it there until you've found healing. Please.

Also, follow this link and start reading on page 58: https://lacoaa.org/files/aa_big_book.pdf

These principles and story work for overeating as well as for alcohol. It's tough love, but it's love, for sure.

 

[morgangirl74]

Wow. I feel like you get me. I will get help. I don't need rehab, Im not dependent on alcohol, I'm just using it to mask the pain. I know the pain is inflammation, I know what causes inflammation, I just don't feel strong enough to fight it.

 

[dianeseattle]

Wow. I feel like you get me. I will get help. I don't need rehab, Im not dependent on alcohol, I'm just using it to mask the pain. I know the pain is inflammation, I know what causes inflammation, I just don't feel strong enough to fight it.

You have ALL my support, Morgan. I believe in you and I was so impressed with your post and your honesty. You have been challenged in so many ways. When you ask for support, you'll get it, and from there on, things will get better. Keep us posted if you can, but take care of yourself first.

 

[JustMe]

SW 534, lowest 330, CW 398. I've been putting on weight now for the last 2 years because I gave up. Once I realized that I could have carbs and drink alcohol with nothing but a colon clean out, I was done. My brain wants the comfort so badly that food and alcohol give me that I can't stop. I need to find a therapist or something because the depression is real. I'm in constant pain because of the damage that I've done to my body and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm depressed because I eat all the time, the only thing that helps with my leg pain is alcohol (I've tried everything, otc meds don't even touch it. Opiates dont even help). I put on more weight because of the food and alcohol and then I'm even more depressed. Advice to newbies...find a therapist, you will need them. So that's me...divorced mom of 2 and trying to live life. Every day I say that it will get better, but I just can't get there. In some ways Im very lucky. I have a man that loves me, 2 good kids, and a great job. But in my head I'm a menopausal, overthinking mess that has just given up.

Dear Morgan,

Please find a doctor whom you can trust, talk to, and ask to help you, right away... tomorrow.

Please join Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcohol is DEFINITELY not a good answer to ANY problem you have. Relying so much on alcohol will only make everything WORSE! The support you will find with AA will help you find better ways to cope.

Please find a therapist, preferably a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication if you need it, ASAP.

Thank you for reaching out to us. We hear you. We care about you. We want to help you HELP YOURSELF. Morgan, you MUST be your own best advocate. You must love yourself enough to want to be healthier, to make the moment-by-moment and day-by-day decisions necessary to reach both short- and long-term goals.

I'm grateful that you have your loving and supportive husband and two children!

Please stay here in this group, so we know how you're doing and we can cheer you on as YOU take control of your life...starting TODAY!

I am sending you love and light, Morgan. Be brave, be focused on getting better, be honest with yourself and your family and your medical team. You CAN do this.

I wish you well. I hope so much that your post in this support group was to look for and accept help.

Thank you for taking that first very brave step!

 

[morgangirl74]

I tried to go back to the weight loss clinic for help and my new insurance doesn't accept the billing code. I found a therapist that works with depression and eating disorders so I'm going to start there. Thank you for the support. First appt is this afternoon.

 

[JustMe]

How was your day, Morgan? I hope it's been wonderful.

 

[morgangirl74]

I met with my new therapist yesterday and she's already challenging me to change. This weeks challenge is to find time to myself. Step one: make other people in the house do more. They have already been warned that chores start in one hour! I didnt drink at all yesterday.

 

[JustMe]

It's one moment, one choice, one step, one day at a time. You've got this, Morgan! Keep fighting for yourself. Give yourself the same love, support, and encouragement that you give others. Keep talking with us, so we know how you are and can support and listen to you. Keep believing in yourself, your strength, and your worth. You've got this, Morgan! I am happy for you!