SunnyD
Member
Hi everyone,
I’m almost 9 months post-op and the best part about Covid-19 has been that no one has seen me much since March. I told my family about my surgery, who live far away, but no one else. I’ve lost weight before several times and always gained it back, so I’ve kept this mostly to myself because I know how this kinda goes — socially — and it always makes me uncomfortable. So I’ve been hiding out. I was furloughed until late last month. And the people I work with are amazing and know better than to comment too much on a coworker’s body (at least to me), so when I walked through the door in a much smaller body with my mask on — only one person said something and it was more to make sure I was ok — which I appreciated.
But I went for my daily walk an hour later than usual yesterday and the neighbors were out. And the attention was — stifling. I’ve learned some adaptation, but it still puts a lot of ugly in my head.
Comments like, “You’re like a whole new person!” Or “Do you even know who you are when you look at pictures of yourself any more?” frame this false narrative that I have fundamentally changed because my body size has decreased.
I’m still me. Everything about me outside of my eating habits and my lipid panel are pretty much the same. I was an active obese person Pre-surgery.
Anyway, the weirdest part is that it always feels like the world at large values me more because I’m 30% smaller. And I don’t feel that way about anyone.
When someone says “you look great!” I answer “You do too!”
When someone questions who I am (literally someone didn’t believe I was me standing at the end of my driveway, and another privately asked my husband if he got remarried) I claim my weight loss. I never give numbers — I just say “a lot,” if they ask for specifics.
People have started asking if I plan to lose more. Or if I’m losing too much. (Like this is really something I can turn on and off?). I see a therapist every other week, but she’s never been obese. And I’m socially awkward about attention as it is. So this just increases the social anxiety.
I’m just feeling shaky because the big fear is that I will have done this big, important life change and will somehow still manage to mess up and fall off the wagon and gain it all back — and watch my pre-existing conditions all return and eat away at me again — in full force. I’m trying to avoid living in the physical pain of obesity as I age. I don’t give a crap what pant size I am. And that seems to make me different in my usual support group, where folks who haven’t yo-yo-ed or have not been obese their whole lives vocally celebrate thinness.
Thinness appreciation isn’t at all in my wheelhouse, but that’s a different thread.
Thanks.
I’m almost 9 months post-op and the best part about Covid-19 has been that no one has seen me much since March. I told my family about my surgery, who live far away, but no one else. I’ve lost weight before several times and always gained it back, so I’ve kept this mostly to myself because I know how this kinda goes — socially — and it always makes me uncomfortable. So I’ve been hiding out. I was furloughed until late last month. And the people I work with are amazing and know better than to comment too much on a coworker’s body (at least to me), so when I walked through the door in a much smaller body with my mask on — only one person said something and it was more to make sure I was ok — which I appreciated.
But I went for my daily walk an hour later than usual yesterday and the neighbors were out. And the attention was — stifling. I’ve learned some adaptation, but it still puts a lot of ugly in my head.
Comments like, “You’re like a whole new person!” Or “Do you even know who you are when you look at pictures of yourself any more?” frame this false narrative that I have fundamentally changed because my body size has decreased.
I’m still me. Everything about me outside of my eating habits and my lipid panel are pretty much the same. I was an active obese person Pre-surgery.
Anyway, the weirdest part is that it always feels like the world at large values me more because I’m 30% smaller. And I don’t feel that way about anyone.
When someone says “you look great!” I answer “You do too!”
When someone questions who I am (literally someone didn’t believe I was me standing at the end of my driveway, and another privately asked my husband if he got remarried) I claim my weight loss. I never give numbers — I just say “a lot,” if they ask for specifics.
People have started asking if I plan to lose more. Or if I’m losing too much. (Like this is really something I can turn on and off?). I see a therapist every other week, but she’s never been obese. And I’m socially awkward about attention as it is. So this just increases the social anxiety.
I’m just feeling shaky because the big fear is that I will have done this big, important life change and will somehow still manage to mess up and fall off the wagon and gain it all back — and watch my pre-existing conditions all return and eat away at me again — in full force. I’m trying to avoid living in the physical pain of obesity as I age. I don’t give a crap what pant size I am. And that seems to make me different in my usual support group, where folks who haven’t yo-yo-ed or have not been obese their whole lives vocally celebrate thinness.
Thinness appreciation isn’t at all in my wheelhouse, but that’s a different thread.
Thanks.
