I'm a hot mess

[Badgy]

Hi guys! I'm here, fattening up nicely. I think I've gained back in 3 weeks what took me 4 months to lose, but hey, whatever, right?

I know they've started back up with common testing procedures at the hospital, but still no word on if the entire bariatric team will ever be reassembled, so I called the head nurse of the program today and left a msg to find out. We'll see.

I keep playing over in my head what the guy nurse told me on the phone... How I'm doing so well with losing weight in the program, if I keep it up, I won't need the surgery. He thought that would motivate me? It did not. Exact opposite. I'm a complete and utter mess.

They rescheduled my colonoscopy, so I'm going to use that fasting to try to get my head back into the game. But honestly, until I get a confirmation that my surgery is even remotely possible, I won't have the right mindset for this. I'm sorry if that sounds weak, it's just my reality.

I did my first video meeting with others in the weight loss class this week. It was okay. No one else is pre-surgery, so I couldn't find out anything about it.

My state of Ohio will be rolling out the reintroduction of elective surgeries soon, but my hospital for this is in Michigan. I'm not sure where they are with re-opening. I also read trump left the VA system completely defenseless and unprepared during this, so who knows at this point. It's very possible that they won't ever do bariatric again. Heaven forbid money would be invested in veteran's long term health.

Like I said... Hot mess.

 

[Badgy]

Thank you, Diane. ((hugs))

It may have read semi-hysterical, but it was only slightly past nerve-wracked. I've since exercised and did yoga and am feeling much more grounded.

I've gone through such an emotional growing process through this shutdown. I've learned a deeper WHY to my surgery desires. I've also learned that my support system at home is only as supportive as I tell it to be. And that's going to need some relationship tweaking.

I was verbally abused through my entire childhood by the adults in my life. Those words in my head are a constant battle. My internal voice says such cruel things to me. Things that I would never say to another living soul. I am slotted for DBT (psych therapy) when things open back up. Such therapy is actually more critical to my future well-being than the bariatric surgery. But both are a part of me planning an actual future for myself - a future that I had given up on.

Thank you for your kindness <3