I am sorry I haven’t checked in, in a very long time. This past 9 months I have been dealing with a lot. From just not feeling myself to not wanting to deal with the world. Since last May I gained ten pounds i tried to restart my logging but I failed with that. It has become harder to correct my bad habits. In December I battled the issue of what is a bariatric meal, still don’t have that answer.. Dreaded the holidays, tired of supporting my husband and getting nothing in return. Not even a penny of his income contributed to household. He is a morning person I am night owl. When it comes to food no input. If I make him something he may eat a half portion and the rest goes to the garbage. He won’t eat leftovers. I have a freezer full of food he won’t eat. At my annual bariatric appointment, the dr didn’t like my protein/meal replacement bars to meet my 100 gr per day also not enough milk. So that added to my defeat. In the meantime we were going to his heart doctor appointments flooded out one time, dr office cancelled appointment using a personal phone so we didn’t answer, who knew. 2.5 hours each way and fuel wasted. Last month we met with the dr, it was about a defibrillator device for his heart. Because they put dialysis port in for heart problem one device was ruled out. After his surgery he got a hernia in his sternum and they could not guarantee the second device would work after threading it through/around the hernia. He chose not to have the device. The dr said he could have a heart attack without the device. But without guarantee the device would work, the expense of a surgery did not make sense. On Thursday April 6 he was getting the mail and fell in the process, said he did a Roni. I fell 4 times from feb 10 to march 26. That’s for another time. Friday April 7 he woke up stiff and went to dr. after hip X-ray and ct scan of neck and shoulder. No blood clots - no broken bones. We were in living room talking about a game we play. My phone rang it was my friend calling. He chimed in on the conversation as he usually does. All of a sudden his recliner went back his legs and arms curled up he started snorting and gasping. i saw a grand mal seizure. I got off the phone took two attempts to call 911. Gave information for service. While calling to my husband to get a response. Started chest compression to keep his heart beating. I had a sinus infection and could not do the breathing. Police officer arrived first then he let in ambulance crew. When they got him on the gurney they had a machine doing the chest compression, but looking at his eyes and face he was not there. His heart had stopped. In the ambulance they were able to restart his heart. My friend from the phone and her husband plus the third friend from our trio arrived to take me to the hospita in my car so I might have a way home. I was terrified scared uncertain of what to do. My friends stayed with me in the family waiting room. The hospital had stabilized him with meds and a ventilator. a second dr reported his heart was functioning at 20%. They wanted me to make a decision on his heart, but then they said the dye to fix his heart would destroy his kidneys. knowing his fear/dislike of dialysis I made the decision to remove the tubes and vent and let him pass away On his terms with dignity. I had been crying for 6 hours by this time.
now it is time to take back my life and live again. I know I did the right thing and made the right choices during the crisis. I am strong. I am a survivor. I can do this. I have been blessed in real life with friends and family these last 3 days. I am honored by all the support and love being sent my way during this time. the game we play had a gathering of players in game today to mark his passing in real life they made me cry again. Tomorrow I start doing the stuff for his funeral/burial. I will be okay, I finally know I am really loved as I am by many people. I am amazed and blessed. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
now it is time to take back my life and live again. I know I did the right thing and made the right choices during the crisis. I am strong. I am a survivor. I can do this. I have been blessed in real life with friends and family these last 3 days. I am honored by all the support and love being sent my way during this time. the game we play had a gathering of players in game today to mark his passing in real life they made me cry again. Tomorrow I start doing the stuff for his funeral/burial. I will be okay, I finally know I am really loved as I am by many people. I am amazed and blessed. Thank you for taking the time to read this.