New mind set

[RitaGarcia24]

Has anyone tried to just start a new mind set within the family and not feel support ?
How do you overcome that part or handle it so it’s in your favor ?

 

[dianeseattle]

Has anyone tried to just start a new mind set within the family and not feel support ?
How do you overcome that part or handle it so it’s in your favor ?

I had 5 sisters and two brothers (3 sisters and 1 brother are now dead). There was never a moment in my mind that I'd share the information with them. Counting Mom and Dad, that adds up to a family of 10. Not a day went by without one or two of us being "spanked" (read: beaten) on bare bottoms with an audience to witness our shame. And more often than not, these were administered with a yardstick or some other painful device. The backs of my thighs were covered in welts. Then I'd be sent to my room for the rest of the day, without supper or any conversation allowed, to hide what Mom had done. Is it any wonder all of us ended up obese and filled with psychological trauma?

If I'd told them, I would never have heard the end of it. In fact, someone else told me I'd been the topic of a conversation suspecting I'd had weight loss surgery (undoubtedly at a meal where THEY were stuffing their food down their throats.)

So I made a decision only to tell my son (only child) and my best friend (ex-husband) and no one else. And over and over and over, I've been shown the wisdom of that decision.

That's how I handle it so it's in my favor. How do others handle it? I'm looking for stories with happy endings.

 

[JustMe]

Thank you for being so brave and vulnerable, Diane, as you shared more of your story with us. I'm sad that you went through so much when you were growing up. Your compassion for others is so obvious and helpful here in this support group. Thank you for sharing. You were an adorable, innocent child. You didn't deserve any of the abuse and trauma you went through. Yes, I agree that traumas and the childhood abuses many of us endured most certainly contributed to our health and weight struggles.

I went through every kind of abuse I know of throughout my growing up years. I had no long-term or short-term goals or dreams as a teenager. I was too focused on surviving. At 56 years old, I still struggle with my self-esteem and with believing that I deserve good things in life. I love to help and encourage others, spread sunshine and happiness, and listen when others just need to talk. I have never been good at giving myself the same love, care, acceptance, help, etc...that I try to give to others.

I hate conflict. I don't stick up for myself. I learned to just be content at home with my three cats. I work way too much. The list goes on. I am working on my weight, my overall health, and my living space. That's how I am trying to love, accept, and help myself more.

I don't talk to anyone about my health anymore except my medical team and now you all. They're judgmental, mean, uncaring, and they simply don't understand, so for my sake, I prefer not to talk to family members and others in my life about my health journey. I know that what matters is what I want and need, not what others think I should do. The only opinions that matter to me are my own, God's, and my medical team members' opinions. I take medicine for my anxiety and depression, and I go to therapy to talk about the abuses and trauma I suffered through as a child. These things have helped.

That's progress, I think. I am me and I am not going to change for anyone but myself. I feel good about my decisions for my health. Now that I've found this group, I feel less alone. Thank you.

 

[dianeseattle]

I love to help and encourage others, spread sunshine and happiness, and listen when others just need to talk. I have never been good at giving myself the same love, care, acceptance, help, etc...that I try to give to others.

I hate conflict. I don't stick up for myself. I learned to just be content at home with my three cats. I work way too much. The list goes on. I am working on my weight, my overall health, and my living space. That's how I am trying to love, accept, and help myself more.

That's progress, I think. I am me and I am not going to change for anyone but myself. I feel good about my decisions for my health. Now that I've found this group, I feel less alone. Thank you.

Did you see the post I made about the book that really brought joy and self-esteem to my life? It's on my profile page, or you can search my posts that include attachments/images.

The thrust of the book is to go on "a diet from negative thinking." In a time when phrases like that are so watered down in society, she really hits the nail on the head and offers techniques to get where you deserve to be. It's so hard to talk about this body image journey that includes surgery, but forgive me for pointing out how many faults you tried to find in yourself, that offset the brilliant behavior and goals you have for being alive.

Why do you do that? I'm asking, sincerely, because you recited it as if it were factual. You help, encourage, spread sunshine and happiness, listen when others need to talk. You KNOW that's true. What more do you need to know? And whose voice is arguing with you, telling you you don't deserve "the same love, care, acceptance, etc...."?

You need a gestalt experience to shut that monster up.

You are so welcome here, and along with a few other new members, you've really livened things up when things were a bit stagnant. Thank you for that.

 

[JustMe]

Thank you, Diane. I couldn't respond last night. Your reply brought me to tears because I was touched and overwhelmed by your compassion, strength, wisdom, and kindness. I just bought the book. I'm working on myself every day and night. Thank you for welcoming me here. It's comforting and so nice to belong.

 

[dianeseattle]

Would you mind also sharing your first name, or an alias that's not as minimizing as "just me"? I use my first name and the town I'm from, which seems to lead easily to a lot of conversation about weather, landmarks, food products and customs. I really like to address people by name.

I want to suggest another book. Having surgery, then losing weight and changing habits actually adds up to a serious loss. Even losing a bad habit creates a void in your life. I bought a tiny little book called "How To Survive The Loss Of A Love (c.1976)" many years ago after a breakup. It's written by three different authors with different points of view. Spoiler alert: I had to read it with a dishtowel in one hand to capture all the tears from sobbing every paragraph or so.

You can read it for free at the Internet Archive, a site I highly recommend because it's actually a library full of books, movies, tv shows and newspapers and you can search it by topic of interest, then download or read on site.

How to survive the loss of a love : 58 things to do when there is nothing to be done : Colgrove, Melba : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

archive.org

I also recommend sobbing. It actually burns calories . And screaming. And beating a pillow with a tennis racket. Nowadays I'm already prepared for the grief that comes with any loss, thanks to that book. But it still sits on my bookshelf and I've purchased dozens of copies to share with loved ones.

And to connect to another recent post, the first time I tried to kill myself I was 17 and I've been in therapy for 50 years.. I soberly accept every part of me now, no matter how much I wish I was perfect.. Considering what I survived, I am a heroine.

 

[JustMe]

You are absolutely heroine, Diane! Thank you for sharing. I have a one-of-a-kind first name and I have a very traumatic past, so with everyone being online, I just cannot and will not share my first name. I'm sorry . My middle name is Renee. I hope that will work. I, too, tried to take my life as a teen during one of the very worst years of my life. I was 16. I will read that book and have a good cry, for sure. Thank you very much. Everyone has their own faith or lack thereof. I learned about Jesus when I was a brand-new mom at 19 years old, and I accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. It changed everything about me. Although I still deal with my mental health issues, I have not and will not try to take my life ever again. I believe with all of my being that God is in control, He loves me and has a plan for me, and that I will be in Heaven with him forever when He accepts me home. I hope that you are in a very good place, Diane, with your self-love and mental health. You are needed and loved in this world .